Today I decided to work on just BEING me, instead of trying to FIX me.
And it was really nice. I think in the midst of the hailstorm of emotions I have been having lately I have been so focused on “fixing” myself that I have sort of missed the point. Yes there are things I don’t like about myself and things I can improve on…
But they don’t define me. My faults are not who I am any more than my strengths are. Those things are all just pieces of me but at my core there is something I cant change or alter. I suppose some would call it your soul, but w/e you call it that’s what’s always been there and will always be there.
I love that part of me.
And I’m about to get religious so those of you who aren’t down with that, you may go ahead and exit now if you wish. And if you are religious you may ALSO want to head out because these are my own personal philosophy’s and may or may not blend with what the church says.
Here is the thing Miranda. The more I have been wrestling with myself, the more I have been wrestling with my faith. I found that I was starting to think maybe I was disillusioned for ever believing in the first place. And I was angry. Why has God let this happen? If God is so Great why didn’t he do XY and Z.
And then I had this crazy thought.
When I doubt myself, I doubt God.
When I don’t feel worthwhile, I don’t think God is worthwhile.
When I am angry with myself, I am angry with God.
When I feel like a failure, I feel like he has failed me.
And I struggled with that for a while and it made me think about in Eat, Pray, Love how she comes to this realization that God is a PART of her. And she doesn’t need to pray looking up to the sky, but pray reflecting in on herself.
Think about it… if we are made in God’s image, the we are all a part of him. And if he is with us always, then he is a part of us. We are in God and God is in us.
And that is the part of me that I can not change, do not want to change, and love. I’ve never really understood when people talked about being in the “presence” of God, because I don’t generally feel that in a church. The times when I feel the most spiritual are times when I am alone in my room thinking, or out in the middle of no where camping, staring at the stars with someone, or singing “You are my sunshine” in the morning to Emily on the drive to school.
But maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s the whole point that I have been missing. I need to spend more time just being me. And being with me. Its not so much about being alone or not or what ever so much as it is casting aside all of the clutter to just BE.
Anyway. I hope that all make since.