Dear Catie, I have to Let It Go.

(See how I tried to make a joke because this depression and reality is too much for me to take?)

There are very few things in life that I don’t want to talk about on my (or this) blog. There are very few things that I won’t put in to words because I like honesty and I like expressing pain and happiness when it comes. I seldom care if it’s humiliating for others to read and what they will think because it’s already out there, off my chest, out of this tight cage where I keep all things hidden. However, there are still a few things that I just can’t talk about.

The worst of all about this is that it’s the one thing I want to talk about the most, but I know it would cause too much harm to anyone it is about (including myself). Thus, I have to be as vague as possible.

My biggest pet peeve in the entire universe of pet peeves is people who are given ample opportunity to fix or have a solution to a conflict they complain about, yet they don’t take it. It bugs me to no end when the universe is working in such a way that all they have to do is to take a step forward, but they continue to stay in the past.

I don’t know why this is my biggest pet peeve. I don’t know if this is some allusion to myself and hating myself because I am just like them, or if it’s because they are truly the most annoying and difficult people in the world because their step could be the next big thing. If they would just take that step, it could influence the world so much around them, and the world wouldn’t be such a shitty place to them or others… But alas.. They won’t take it.

I find myself hoping they will take it every time. I build up expectations and standards for everyone who ever needs to take that step, and I get so pissed off when they don’t do it. Genuine anger. That’s my anger, my problem. And I have to learn to let… that.. go.

That’s what’s holding me back. I literally have to

let it go.. 

And I don’t know how. It is the hardest thing in the world for me right now. I have been in a depressed rut for over a week. I literally wake up and struggle to get out of bed even though I’ve slept already for 12 hours. I have skipped Tuesday –  Thursday classes just this week because I can’t decide if it’s worth it in the grand scheme of things. It won’t change the person I love, and it won’t make them be proud of me.. And if disappointment is what I get from them the most, it’s still an emotion, right? It’s still something?

I am trying desperately not to eat because I feel like it’s only counter-productive with what I want to do with my weightless. Yet, after not eating, I end up binge-ing out…which is counter-productive to my weightless. Dum dum dum. And everything around me just seems so dull.. even though I have reason to celebrate. Up until this week, I was doing fantastic in school. I have a new job opportunity at work which is actually fantastic. It will provide full-time hours and benefits. I’ve never had either (officially). Oh, and vacation time. Health insurance. (Also never had before). I am at a gym that is just about costing us nothing every month. They just announced in April that they will be expanding – which includes child care. I will pay $10 a month for a 24-Hr gym with child care. There are a lot of good things going on lately, but because I can’t let this one thing go.. Even if I realize that I have to let it go.. I can’t enjoy any of it.

I sit here in a pool of depression because letting go of this one thing, means letting go of the people I’ve cared most about, the people I’ve hoped the most about would change so that things could be easier between us. I hope that it wouldn’t have to be so hard anymore. I have to let it go because I’ve become that person that all I have to do is take one step and it’s fixed. But because I refuse to take that step, I have expectations and standards of them, the people I care so much for, but they will never meet them because my expectations are not their own… And they may never be. And thus, I’ve become the problem.

I’m causing the problem between us. I want too much, and when I get disappointed – no, when my world gets shattered… That’s it. Why live anymore? I don’t want to hide the fact that last week, I almost did it. I almost left the world, but… Something in me told me to call someone. Message someone. Do anything. There are people who care about you right at this very second who are available to take your plea of help. They love you, and won’t see it as a burden. They just want you safe and alive and to hear that you’ll be okay.

It is the hardest thing and most depressing thing in the world to be the very thing you cannot stand. I’m also taking a group-therapy session that is going to cut me open a lot more and make me realize my denials and hopefully in the end, recover from it. After the first week of answering questions, that’s when I made this realization. I also realized if I continued with this study, I am going to be opening every wound that I’ve tried so hard to hide in order to be a normal functioning member of society. I am going to get back on medication, even though I’ve hid from it because I want so much to be just like everyone else and to not be over emotional in the negative ways that I am.. But even when I did hide everything, I still had outbursts of anger, manic depression, and fits of rage that almost split me in to another persona that I began to call Her. I would watch Her do all of these awful things because I didn’t want to admit that I was making myself worse, and that it was me that I could no longer stop in it’s path… I think Her is gone, now, though. I admitted that it was me who was the monster, and not she. I think that destroyed her.. But it also destroyed me. I was not getting better, and I was not hiding it very well. And everyone close to me was beginning to notice.

So I guess I’ve been lying so much that now I realize I’m going to need to take the medication again, and just like you, I know it’s the biggest pain in the ass to find a doctor under your insurance, to make sure you can pay the ungodly amounts for the psychiatrist, the prescriptions, AND the expensive counseling. And you have to try all the damn medications, and the one that works best for you, and to do that you have to be on them for a couple of damn months and possible feel WORSE than you were before, and then when you change you have to wait another few damn months to get off the effects of whatever it used to be, in order to feel what might come.

And then you have to find time in the middle of everything else in your life to go to the damn things, to sit in the appointment rooms waiting for your appointment which started two hours ago to finally call you in so you can be in and out — and late for work, or class, or picking up your kid. Thank God school will be done in May 15th. My only goal is to reach it.

I feel you Catie. I really do. The line that scared me the most of your last blog post was that you were going to fight this if it kills you, and I don’t want to end on that note because lately that thought has been way too close for comfort and all I want to do is get help. I know it will be a pain in the dick to get there, but if I hadn’t buried it so much, I might be there by now and that much closer to being as ‘normal’ as I can be while drugged. I’ve been trying to take the cowardice and easy way out for so long, and it’s caught up. I can’t anymore. I can’t. I’ve got to go and take it… Otherwise, I may never be able to truly let go. Really let go.

So… Good luck to both of us.
Miranda

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Dear Catie, I am shamelessly going to plug my personal blog on our joint blog.

Why? Because we have readers, duh. I’d like to think at least 50% of the readers enjoy what I write, and thus, may want some more of it.

Do you? Do you want some more of it? Right now, it is everything transferred over from wordpress.com. I used to have a blog there, but the options were very limited unless you paid, unlike google’s blogger.com. (Just sayin’. Not trying to advertise for Google, because I’m certainly not making money off of it, but the options significantly outweigh the ones on wordpress.)

So, if you see text in bright white, that’s because I C&P’d from another blog. The newer posts will not be white, thus you will be able to tell what is not C&P’d.

What’s the Atkeisson blog for, you may ask? Well, it’s going to be a lot of the attitude I write on this blog.. but just me. It won’t be introduced as a letter to Catie. (Though, I am toying with the idea of writing the blog from the perspective of “Dear Miranda of Yesterday” as sort of a motivation to look at myself and how I”ve changed even from just one day to another. i.e., had a bad day the day before? I’ve slept since and can make sense of it and write a letter to myself of yesterday that it was pretty shitty, but look at THIS. My hopes is that it would enhance that positive thinking thing. You know? What do you think?)
I will encourage comments, emails, private messages. Anything you want, let it be said on that blog. I will, however, be graphic sometimes, say what I want, hold little back while sticking to the truth, and everything will 100% be me, mine, and not yours to debate. (Yours, as in, anyone challenging my right to speak what I want. Not you, readers, or you, Catie.)
Anyhow. Goodnight!

Dear Catie, Resolutions Three Month Review

Miranda’s Resolutions in Review

Apologize only when I regret. 

Mmf.

Be positive.

Yes. Yes. Yes.
No more sodas.

Lesbiahonest.
No more fast food.

Lesbiahonest.
Plan ahead on school work. 

I AM KICKING ASS. Seriously. Homework is getting DONE, and I have an A in every class. 
Write for 30 minutes, every day.
Technically, I do this because of creative writing. However, I am not getting anything done on my won book, currently. I am finally in the ‘Fiction’ section of my Creative Writing class, though, and learning soooo much. Glad I took this before I decided to start writing that book.
Work out.

Lesbiahonest.

God, God, God.
I have signed up and attended my first meeting of Celebrate Recover: Women’s Study. I go on Wednesday nights, and while I am sworn to confidentiality (thus I can’t tell you anything about anyone else), I can technically talk about myself / the questions / my answers. I’m not sure, however, if I want to offer them. It’s a deep, very beneath the skin study. It won’t be done until Christmas 2014. (Yes, it’s 9 months.) I am excited, though. I can always do more here, but I am also speaking to Him more than ever.
Love you, B.

Miranda

Dear Miranda, Resolution overview three months in.

1. Keep Up with the Health thing.
I am at a place where I am just maintain instead of trying to lose now, so that’s nice… I should go to the gym more, but overall I’m doing well.
2. Take a BIG trip.
I send off for my new passport on Thursday. *flail* And I will be looking at tickets soon.  
 
3. Start an IRA and a savings fund.
I talked to my accountant today about starting an IRA and how it will affect my taxes and what not. I will know more on the 17th and hopefully start it before April. 😀 
 
4. Drink more Water.
 Fuck.
 
5. Be more positive/happier.
I’ve been sort of pissy lately. I’ll work on it.
 
6. Make time.
The Dallas trip was fun and this Friday- Monday I am taking the little one to Gruene with the family to do literally almost nothing but just hang out. It is one of my favorite times of the year and I cant wait to get away with Memes for a few days.
 
7. Write more. Dance more. Sing more.
Fucking life. Gets in the way of living again. Damn it. I’m on it.
 
8. Make new friends.
I’m realizing this may or may not be a good thing. Men I think interoperate “friend” as “we should bang”. So I have also had to crush some dreams. Heartless.
 
9. Don’t kiss all the boys.
I don’t even know what color this should be. I have a boy, so I’m defiantly not kissing all of them.

Dear Miranda, Life… it happens.

Man. Sometimes life just really gets in the way of living, if ya know what I mean. All I want to do is fucking blog and RP and travel the world and take my little one to the park… but all this other bullshit gets in the way. I’m not going to school so I cant say I feel your pain there, but I am working a lot. Like. A lot. A lot. I’m so ready for my mini vacation this Friday I can hardly even stand it.

Anyway I think weight watchers can be a really good program. Its basically calorie counting, only they do all the work for you. I mean I know that’s not exactly true but the points system is really not that much different then looking for calories and fat and carbs, ect. The trick is to pay attention and once you complete how ever long you are gunna do it for to CONTINUE to apply it to your life even after.

And honestly I think the weekly meetings are a great accountability tool and you should defiantly do that one… if you will actually go to them. personally I feel like learning good eating habits is step one so even if you cant swing the gym at the same time I would do the weight watchers.

Also… “we are financially stable. By that, I mean, if I am out shopping once a month and I see a cute damn top, I can buy said top without crying my eyes out with buyer’s remorse, because we have got it! We’re good. It’s a feeling that is so unreal. I am still waiting for the floors to be ripped from beneath me on this.”

Can I just take a moment to talk about this. Ya know… I know I don’t pay rent right now and that is huge. I only have a few bills and then of course anything that has to do with my daughter, but Over the past few months as a single woman… I realized that I am not at ALL as bad with money as I once thought I was. As a matter of fact I am really fucking good with money. I have more money in my bank account right now then I EVER HAD WITH SHEA AND I’s COMBINE. Because dear sweet jesus… that man is HORRIBLE with money.

I have been able to save, take trips, plan ahead. I have had over $1200 in random STUFF come up (unexpected bills, medical bullshit, ect)… all of which I have been able to pay with out a problem. And suddenly it occurs to me…as I use the money I have made in tips instead of my card to buy Emily’s diapers and me a new lipstick… that I have my shit together after all.

Anyways. I love your face. I have been busy too. We will both start writing again. Keep me updated on the weight watchers thing.

❤ -Catie

Dear Catie, I haven’t posted in a while.

So, lately, or the past two weeks that is, I have been so fucking busy that I can’t think or see straight. I mean, the first week was going to be hard enough with covering a week’s worth of shifts back-to-back M-Sat (finished with a 12 hr shift Sat), but to do it on top of school M-Thu and with ‘crud’ (an ear infection in both ears plus an upper respiratory infection)… Jesus. That week sucked so hard.

Next, I was playing catch up from my week with death and talking to Matthew a lot. We had a lot of fights that mainly stemmed from, “Why don’t I ever see you?” and we all know why (I just named it), and thus when I was home more the second week, those arguments simmered down.

Then, we decided this past week we also dabbled with the idea for about a week that we were going to move to the city, because being out here in Bumfucknowhere was boring, had nothing to do around, and the nearest grocery store (that isn’t outrageously priced) is 30 minutes or so away in either direction. LAME.

Well, we decided yesterday not to move and to give it another couple of years. There were many reasons for this, but mainly it boiled down to: for the first time since our marriage, we are financially stable. By that, I mean, if I am out shopping once a month and I see a cute damn top, I can buy said top without crying my eyes out with buyer’s remorse, because we have got it! We’re good. It’s a feeling that is so unreal. I am still waiting for the floors to be ripped from beneath me on this.

So, no move. So busy. Been sick. Now I’m here, writing again.

Today, however, I intended to talk about one of the decisions I’m debating, since I DO have that money now, and that is… Weightwatchers. My mother-in-law has lost an enormous amount of weight on this diet, and she’s accountable. It’s awesome. She signed up to have the online tools AND the weekly meetings, which is $43 (roughly) a month. Just online tools and no meetings is $56 for 3 months. Now, you look at that and think, ‘duh. go with the cheaper one,’ but let’s face it.. Catie, you aren’t here. And try as we may, I am never good with accountability when it comes to diets. I feel so ashamed and I hide my mistakes from you, my husband, the world… And I hope to God you don’t bring it up weekly to remind me that I am slipping, and just let me slip so I can eat all the fucking Whataburger I want.

But.. That’s not right. And there’s no way to keep me from doing it to you from so far away. So, while the online tools are fantastic, visiting weekly meetings may be fucking fantastic for me. Keeping me accountable, meeting other women of all ages trying with me, etc etc… I don’t. Dat price, you know?

What do you think? When I think of what’s holding me back, I think, “A gym membership. That may be very expensive, and if you add it to $43 a month, things can get expensive pretty fast…” Not to mention the increase of price when I start buying healthier shit vs. the unhealthy shit I’ve been buyin. (But to counter this argument, let’s be honest, how much do I spend a day in fastfood alone? I’m sure this is no big deal, but I would REALLY have to cut down on fast food. Like, hard core. Ugh, I cringe just thinking about it.)

Why am I all crying about this lately? Well, it’s that nifty little app you got me on, Snapchat. I… I realized I don’t like sending people pics anymore, even snapped ones, because I see how fat I am compared to everyone else chatting with me. I judge myself and think, “God, do they notice how much fucking bigger I am than they are? Do they laugh as they see me stick a french fry in my face?” I literally started crying over some.

Matt and I also took a day to the mall this past weekend. Usually, I can buy clothes at limited stores in the XL size. I… I can’t even fit in to XL anymore. I’m in XXL. I bawled my eyes out. Another X? Are you serious? What happened to the girl who was a Small, but had to buy Mediums because of her boobs? Why is she an XXL?! How much bigger is she going to get before it’s too late? Is it already too late?

So after crying, I decided I really can’t give up, now. I am over 200lbs, which is what I told myself I wouldn’t do when I had Eli, and I am doing nothing right now to stop it. It’s heartbreaking to see you when you visit, and you look like a fucking rockstar, and I think, “Look, Catie did it, you can, too, and then you can both be rockstar gorgeous friends!” Don’t get me wrong, Catie. I know our friendship is deeper than skin or pant size, but Jesusfuck, sometimes I want to strangle you for all the hardwork you’ve done that I count myself as a failure before I even try about.

Ugh.

I think I’ve ranted enough, but that’s been my life for the last few weeks. Sorry I haven’t posted as much. (P.S. Neither have you, get to it missy!)

-Miranda