(See how I tried to make a joke because this depression and reality is too much for me to take?)
There are very few things in life that I don’t want to talk about on my (or this) blog. There are very few things that I won’t put in to words because I like honesty and I like expressing pain and happiness when it comes. I seldom care if it’s humiliating for others to read and what they will think because it’s already out there, off my chest, out of this tight cage where I keep all things hidden. However, there are still a few things that I just can’t talk about.
The worst of all about this is that it’s the one thing I want to talk about the most, but I know it would cause too much harm to anyone it is about (including myself). Thus, I have to be as vague as possible.
My biggest pet peeve in the entire universe of pet peeves is people who are given ample opportunity to fix or have a solution to a conflict they complain about, yet they don’t take it. It bugs me to no end when the universe is working in such a way that all they have to do is to take a step forward, but they continue to stay in the past.
I don’t know why this is my biggest pet peeve. I don’t know if this is some allusion to myself and hating myself because I am just like them, or if it’s because they are truly the most annoying and difficult people in the world because their step could be the next big thing. If they would just take that step, it could influence the world so much around them, and the world wouldn’t be such a shitty place to them or others… But alas.. They won’t take it.
I find myself hoping they will take it every time. I build up expectations and standards for everyone who ever needs to take that step, and I get so pissed off when they don’t do it. Genuine anger. That’s my anger, my problem. And I have to learn to let… that.. go.
That’s what’s holding me back. I literally have to
And I don’t know how. It is the hardest thing in the world for me right now. I have been in a depressed rut for over a week. I literally wake up and struggle to get out of bed even though I’ve slept already for 12 hours. I have skipped Tuesday – Thursday classes just this week because I can’t decide if it’s worth it in the grand scheme of things. It won’t change the person I love, and it won’t make them be proud of me.. And if disappointment is what I get from them the most, it’s still an emotion, right? It’s still something?
I am trying desperately not to eat because I feel like it’s only counter-productive with what I want to do with my weightless. Yet, after not eating, I end up binge-ing out…which is counter-productive to my weightless. Dum dum dum. And everything around me just seems so dull.. even though I have reason to celebrate. Up until this week, I was doing fantastic in school. I have a new job opportunity at work which is actually fantastic. It will provide full-time hours and benefits. I’ve never had either (officially). Oh, and vacation time. Health insurance. (Also never had before). I am at a gym that is just about costing us nothing every month. They just announced in April that they will be expanding – which includes child care. I will pay $10 a month for a 24-Hr gym with child care. There are a lot of good things going on lately, but because I can’t let this one thing go.. Even if I realize that I have to let it go.. I can’t enjoy any of it.
I sit here in a pool of depression because letting go of this one thing, means letting go of the people I’ve cared most about, the people I’ve hoped the most about would change so that things could be easier between us. I hope that it wouldn’t have to be so hard anymore. I have to let it go because I’ve become that person that all I have to do is take one step and it’s fixed. But because I refuse to take that step, I have expectations and standards of them, the people I care so much for, but they will never meet them because my expectations are not their own… And they may never be. And thus, I’ve become the problem.
I’m causing the problem between us. I want too much, and when I get disappointed – no, when my world gets shattered… That’s it. Why live anymore? I don’t want to hide the fact that last week, I almost did it. I almost left the world, but… Something in me told me to call someone. Message someone. Do anything. There are people who care about you right at this very second who are available to take your plea of help. They love you, and won’t see it as a burden. They just want you safe and alive and to hear that you’ll be okay.
It is the hardest thing and most depressing thing in the world to be the very thing you cannot stand. I’m also taking a group-therapy session that is going to cut me open a lot more and make me realize my denials and hopefully in the end, recover from it. After the first week of answering questions, that’s when I made this realization. I also realized if I continued with this study, I am going to be opening every wound that I’ve tried so hard to hide in order to be a normal functioning member of society. I am going to get back on medication, even though I’ve hid from it because I want so much to be just like everyone else and to not be over emotional in the negative ways that I am.. But even when I did hide everything, I still had outbursts of anger, manic depression, and fits of rage that almost split me in to another persona that I began to call Her. I would watch Her do all of these awful things because I didn’t want to admit that I was making myself worse, and that it was me that I could no longer stop in it’s path… I think Her is gone, now, though. I admitted that it was me who was the monster, and not she. I think that destroyed her.. But it also destroyed me. I was not getting better, and I was not hiding it very well. And everyone close to me was beginning to notice.
So I guess I’ve been lying so much that now I realize I’m going to need to take the medication again, and just like you, I know it’s the biggest pain in the ass to find a doctor under your insurance, to make sure you can pay the ungodly amounts for the psychiatrist, the prescriptions, AND the expensive counseling. And you have to try all the damn medications, and the one that works best for you, and to do that you have to be on them for a couple of damn months and possible feel WORSE than you were before, and then when you change you have to wait another few damn months to get off the effects of whatever it used to be, in order to feel what might come.
And then you have to find time in the middle of everything else in your life to go to the damn things, to sit in the appointment rooms waiting for your appointment which started two hours ago to finally call you in so you can be in and out — and late for work, or class, or picking up your kid. Thank God school will be done in May 15th. My only goal is to reach it.
I feel you Catie. I really do. The line that scared me the most of your last blog post was that you were going to fight this if it kills you, and I don’t want to end on that note because lately that thought has been way too close for comfort and all I want to do is get help. I know it will be a pain in the dick to get there, but if I hadn’t buried it so much, I might be there by now and that much closer to being as ‘normal’ as I can be while drugged. I’ve been trying to take the cowardice and easy way out for so long, and it’s caught up. I can’t anymore. I can’t. I’ve got to go and take it… Otherwise, I may never be able to truly let go. Really let go.
So… Good luck to both of us.