In my quest to be more thankful I started trying to identify the elements of my life that hinder me from joy. As I mentally sorted through the list of things it became apparent to me that at the root of nearly every thing that I could think of was my anxiety. Things that shouldn’t cause stress (or should only cause a slight amount of stress) become almost debilitating and it is difficult to think clearly when your afraid or anxious.
I decided to go to my Dr. and get back on medication. It’s bittersweet because I have been off anxiety medication for about seven years now. However, it’s also a huge relief to know that I will feel normal during the holidays. The flutters of my heart rate leaping, my hands obviously trembling, and the crushing feeling of being completely overwhelmed will all be dissipating by the time Christmas gets here…and that’s a really big deal.
I know to some it would seem like it’s a cop out to try and be more thankful and then take medication that effects your mood. But those people probably don’t know anything at all about what Anxiety and Panic disorder is. Or probably any other mental illness for that matter. I don’t want to be a Zombie. I don’t want to be numb. That’s not what medication, as you know, is about. I just want to be able to actually see the beautiful things around me instead of being trapped in a cage of panic. It’s not going to magically make me a super happy go lucky person. It will just turn on the lights so I am able to more fully look for the things that being me joy.
Anyway I love your face and I’m relived to hopefully soon be back to normal.