Dear Catie, a series of unfortunate events

I just want to set out a disclaimer for this post today and for my general presence of the next couple of weeks.

Today is very hard. There is a burden very heavy on my chest that I am lifting, and holding it up over my head, but it’s only going to be up for so long because I grow tired and weakened and sore. It’s distracting, and I am unable to think of much else than what I’m holding as I strain to make sense of it.
So, if I seem disinterested, distracted, or otherwise ‘not present’, I am, and please know it has nothing to do with you or anyone else and I love you.
And now, without further ado, I aim to release a piece of the burden by speaking them out.
  • I’m officially getting a divorce. Yes, we’ve been separated and my heart has since moved on from a place of being his to.. being solely mine. But, Matthew and I did one last string of dates to ‘try’ and ‘see’ – not by anyone’s request but our own – and it’s truly.. just not going to happen. And thus, while it’s sad all over again (though not nearly as damaging as the initial blow of separating), it’s also a sigh of relief. We tried while we lived together plenty of times, but even separated, we can say we really did try to go on dates as new people, trying to accept that we were nothing like who we knew before, and never would be again.. And I couldn’t. And Matthew has grown so much as an individual that he’s going to be fine, and told me so. He’s so handsomely like God, so loving and forgiving, so ministering. He is going to make a woman very happy some day.
  • The Monday before Thanksgiving, I was called by the doctor I did a physical with and told that I am 15 pounds away from type 2 diabetes. My vitamin is extremely low, my Omega 3 is extremely low, and my weight (207lbs) vs. my height (5’2 on a good day) is extremely obese. Myself, I never felt ‘extremely’, but the words ‘type 2 diabetes’ don’t make me feel so good anymore. The doctor recommended cutting out all sugar (yikes), all white carbs, and rigorously working out. I have been slacking, that’s no lie, but.. now I feel it. This has been both nerve-wrecking and a wake-up call that I never thought would happen to me. It makes me kick in to survival mode and want to just start today. I’ve been waiting for my paycheck since that Monday, and my paycheck came in today (nearly 2 weeks later), but .. well, you’ll read the following and realize why now I want to hold on to my paycheck carefully.
  • Yesterday was my birthday, and I had accepted that I was going to spend my very first birthday alone. And by alone, I mean, without a S.O. to enjoy it with and to make me feel like I was worth spending the day with and doting attention to. I woke up really sad about that, but as the day went one, I realized two things:
    • This was yet another opportunity to find love for myself without the validation from someone else. To give attention to myself and decide that the day would be positive and hopeful because I said so and because I was going to act like it. It worked, all day, until I got home.
    • I have friends (albeit a very small group of them) that went out of their way to make my day special – without my knowledge – and thus surprised me. I felt so foolish to think I’d be left to myself to make my day special, and not have friends who have been with me since I left, who still love me, support me, and made me feel great.
  • Alas, when I got home.. my dad broke to me some hard news. He was let go from his job, which was a huge amount of income that granted us stability in our rented home, electric bill, and many other important bills and some luxuries. Even with unemployment (if he files) they can’t match what he made, and it would come out to about half of it. Which means:
  • We have to move. Not that I have a lot of stuff anymore since the separation, but I had grown a little comfortable and made friends in the Coppell / Irving area and I have no idea where we’re going to move (hopefully closer to MY work), how much it will cost – how we will afford it, what bills we will get charged late fees for whatever may happen.

I held it together and went in to survival mode when speak with my dad about it. He told me, and I took a moment to think and breathe (about 5 seconds) before looking back up at him and asking things like, “What do you plan to do?” “Where do you want to live (city)?” “Where will you look for work?” “What bills do we have this month and what ones can we cancel for January since we won’t be here?”

All in all, I’m not worried about my dad finding a job. I know he will. He’s very good at it – and not just the minimum wage jobs either. He’s always had a way of getting well-paying jobs out of thin air. I give it a couple of weeks before he’s back in the saddle – and that’s being pessimistic.

It’s just a lot. All at once.

I don’t have any positive words of wisdom. I don’t have a pick-me-up for the day/week/month. I am calm at this moment, but only because I’ve disconnected with feeling so that I don’t burst in to tears. I’m not particularly sad about any of it. I feel numb in that regard. I just feel a great deal of weight.

Think of me.

-M

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s