Dear Miranda, Here’s a big ol’ dose of Awesome.

So last post I left you with:

“I know I sound like a broody teenager right now, but I get frustrated reliving bits and pieces of my life over and over. It’s almost like I keep having to do the same shit over and over and over in life until I get it right. Maybe I am. Maybe that’s what God does. He just hits reset on the parts you need to work on… but I clearly am not learning because as I said… its always more of the same. Help me be more grateful. Quick!”

I was having a really bad day and just continuing to struggle with the issues that have been plaguing me. One of the biggest ones being that I hate never getting to see Emily because of my job. I work for an organization that centers around kids who have been removed by CPS. The reason I never get to see my daughter is because I work in an emergency shelter with kids who have been removed from 1pm-10pm most weekdays and 8am-10pm every other weekend. So when she wakes up I get her ready for and take her to daycare and when I get home she is already asleep. The only days I get to actually spend time with her are my days off. So OTHER that not getting to see Emily as much as I want I freaking love my job.

Anyway, back to me pouting… The reason I was so stirred up about this on that particular day was in part due to the fact that we are studying James at church. The study is called Steadfast, and it is extremely good. It’s also extremely difficult and emotional because it is all about learning to take our most trying situations and count it all as joy. It’s about being grateful because everything that happens, even if it seems horrible, God has a reason for. It’s about learning to instead of praying for God to get you OUT of the situation your in that is driving you crazy, to ask him for the wisdom to see it as he does. Patrick said in one of the sermons that God wont change your situation until you learn something about him or yourself threw him. He said if you use your own means to get out of the situation while ignoring him it will keep repeating in your life (I’m paraphrasing here and not doing a great job, if you want to see the three services so far on it you can watch them here: And that shit really ruffled my feathers …because for real that is what my life has felt like. Sometimes the truth is maddeningly frustrating.

So after I ranted to you I said a very honest prayer. I didn’t try and pretend I was angry and struggling to understand, but I did genuinely want to see things threw Gods eyes. And the peace wasn’t instant. It didn’t wash over me like a magical flood…but it DID and IS coming.

The next day I felt a little better and decided this:

Maybe God made Emily so resilient and easy going because he needed me help kids that didn’t have anyone. Maybe he gave her a huge and very active family who are more then willing to help with her because I would need support while he used me elsewhere. I still craved more time with Emily but I thanked God for choosing me for such a massively important job and decided that I would stick it out for as long as he needed me there. When he was ready he would open a door for me and if the opportunity never arose then I simply was needed there permanently. I wasn’t going to quit my job.

I started thinking about it a lot. Last week three different families of kids left the shelter back to back (when they get placed with a foster family or go home they leave). In each of the families there were kids that I had gotten extremely close to. The three kids that I got the closest too in fact all left. It was so hard and I cried with each one, tears of joy for some, tears of worry for others. I was so thankful that I got to be a part of their lives and I truly believe I made a difference in there life during a time that was really hard. I was glad I had toughed it out and stuck with it. They had needed me and even though I had been struggling I had been there and now it was so obvious why..

The next day I woke up feeling really good and like I could finally “see” clearly with the wisdom I had as to why he had needed me there. That day the Director of a new program, at the organization I work for ask me if I was still interested in a position I had showed some interest in over a month ago. I honestly had given up on it as not only had I never formally applied for it but also because I never heard anything back. Turns out I didn’t hear anything because the Director was in the process of applying for grants to help fund the program. I couldn’t help but laugh. Just like that, I was truly thankful and a door opened right up.

To make a long story short I took the job. I will now be working with parents who have had a child removed in hopes of family reunification. The program offers Therapy for the parents because many of them grew up in homes that were the same if not worse than their children and they need to work through their own issues to understand how to/ be able to be a better parent. It offers parenting classes and family therapy and group therapy and supervised visitation. To help be able to make a family whole and healthy instead of struggling is a big deal and it’s really cool to get to be a part of that. AND… I will be off work by 7 every night and wont work weekends… so I WILL HAVE MORE TIME WITH EMILY.

I start Monday so if I’m scarce for a while that’s why. I love you face. God is good. ❤ Me


Dear Miranda, sometimes I feel like a hamster.

Or a Rat. Whatever.

The other day you asked me something along the lines of, “When you are a teenager everyone tells you not to worry, it will get easier when your an adult, but what do you tell people who are adults…namely those in their twenties.”  And my response was “Don’t worry, shit is supposed to be fucked up in your twenties, it gets easier when you are in your mid thirties.”

I really hope I’m not talking out my ass because sometimes I feel like my life is and endless wheel of the “same shit, different day” and I get sick of running to keep up. I want so bad to just not care and not plan for the future and just “let things happen”. But that is just SO not me. I am not that person. I an not Mellow.

I repeat. I AM NOT MELLOW. Sorry.

And I know I sound like a broody teenager right now, but I get frustrated reliving bits and pieces of my life over and over. It’s almost like I keep having to do the same shit over and over and over in life until I get it right. Maybe I am. Maybe that’s what God does. He just hits reset on the parts you need to work on… but I clearly am not learning because as I said… its always more of the same.

Help me be more grateful. Quick!


Dear Catie, I’m going to plug Epic Rap Battles of History.

So, Catie, this happened. I don’t even know how to twitter. Not really. But I follow @TheEpicLLOYD and @nicepeter – two guys who JUST SO HAPPEN to make those Epic Rap Battles of History videos on youtube. NO BIG DEAL, but they’re a BIG DEAL. Anyway, the BIG DEAL is that as you can see EpicLLOYD just retweeted me. ME. He saw my tweet, thought to himself, “Heckyass” and clicked a button that posted it to his wall – where all of his fans then began to click ‘favorite’ (which is like a ‘Like’ on Facebook) and ReTweet (which is like a ‘share’ on Facebook) it.

For about fifteen minutes now, I have been jumping up and down as my phone blows up from all of this commotion, squealing like a girl you know squealed when we were that close to Dan from Bastille. Just the same. I’m a big deal.

omgomgomgomgomgomg. Anyhow, here’s some plugs of my favorite ERBs by them!


By the way, in my humble opinion, Bonnie and Clyde won because the other pair died first. But as far as favorite lyrics go, I loved Juliet’s more!



This is my second favorite, because JennaMarbles owns him.



As much as I don’t seem to be a fan of his movies, Quentin Tarantino and Michael Bay won this one for best lyrics. “I’m a bad m*er f*er from the wallet to the penis!” and Michael Bay… Well, just watch it. (:



Mr. Rogers schools him, hands down.


Love you bunches. Highlight of my weekend, being retweeted by EpicLLOYD. (By the way, he was Clyde in the first video, Alfred Hitchcock in the third, and he’s the mail man/ police man/ others in the fourth. OH AND HE’S ADAM IN THE SECOND.)


Dear Catie, This.

This post explains why I left Facebook (and most social media sites) better than I explained why I left Facebook (and most social media sites). Please read it, as I’m sure you’ll relate. I’ll give an excerpt:



“To say I have a love/hate relationship with the Internet would be selling short both “love” and “hate.” On the one hand, the Internet is such a significant part of my life that when people ask me where I’m from, I sometimes answer, “I’m from the Internet.” I make a significant part of my living from the Internet. My friends are on the internet. Much of my learning comes from the internet, and without question, I can never fully disconnect from it.

That’s what makes it so frustrating. I am totally reliant on a place that has become an absolute shit-hole. As much as I love and need the Internet, I also despise it with a passion. Obviously, I’m not talking about the servers and routers, but the people and culture that make up the online world.”


Dear Catie, I’m between a rock and hard place.

On the one hand, I really want to focus very much on my book this year. I want to begin writing /it/. Researching /it/. I don’t want to just do my little writing exercises. I want to make progress! Go, go, go!

On the other hand, I really really really want to lose 50 lbs. Just fifty. That’s all I want. But the extra time I would find to use to write, I could be using to work out and plan my meals and all of the B.S. it takes to lose weight.

I cannot do both and still breathe because you know me. Narrow-sighted and driven, but only on ONE thing at a time.

What do I dooooo?!



Response to this like a Dear Abbey! Go, go, go! (Inari, if you’re reading this, you can respond too! your advice is stellar!)

Dear Catie, I took the test again, and I got INFP! *gasps*

Untitled(click to enlarge)
(Readers, this is from this site.)

“You are one of the Diplomats – an empathic and idealistic individual who enjoys exploring interesting ideas and prizes morality. You are known for your poetic nature, intuitive skills and pure, childlike enthusiasm. Above you will find a brief overview of your personality traits – proceed to the type overview to learn much more about your personality type. Prepare to be impressed.”

You know me, Catie. Always looking to know, and always changing. I took the test again because it’s a new year, and I was curious if I’d changed much at all. I answered as truthfully as possible with absolutely no ‘neutral’ answers. You can read all of the things, if you want, at this site but I will highlight some on this post that I found interesting. Really, only one letter changed, but it’s a difference! (Also, can I just say, I LOVE the ‘flower child’ icon? Hahaha.)

When deciding how to move forward, they will look to honor, beauty, morality and virtue – INFPs are led by the purity of their intent, not rewards and punishments. People who share the INFP personality type are proud of this quality, and rightly so, but not everyone understands the drive behind these feelings, and it can lead to isolation.

Also, one of your favorite quotes is on the page, too.

All that is gold does not glitter; not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither; deep roots are not reached by the frost.

J. R. R. Tolkien
Also, um, hello yes this is me:
INFPs have a talent for self-expression, revealing their beauty and their secrets through metaphors and fictional characters.
INFPs often drift into deep thought, enjoying contemplating the hypothetical and the philosophical more than any other personality type. Left unchecked, INFPs may start to lose touch, withdrawing into “hermit mode”, and it can take a great deal of energy from their friends or partner to bring them back to the real world.
  • Idealistic – INFPs’ friends and loved ones will come to admire and depend on them for their optimism. Their unshaken belief that all people are inherently good, perhaps simply misunderstood, lends itself to an incredibly resilient attitude in the face of hardship.
  • Seek and Value Harmony – People with the INFP personality type have no interest in having power over others, and don’t much care for domineering attitudes at all. They prefer a more democratic approach, and work hard to ensure that every voice and perspective is heard.
  • Open-Minded and Flexible – A live-and-let-live attitude comes naturally to INFPs, and they dislike being constrained by rules. INFPs give the benefit of the doubt too, and so long as their principles and ideas are not being challenged, they’ll support others’ right to do what they think is right.
  • Very Creative – INFPs combine their intuitive nature with their open-mindedness to allow them to see things from unconventional perspectives. Being able to connect many far-flung dots into a single theme, it’s no wonder that many INFPs are celebrated poets and authors.
  • Passionate and Energetic – When something captures INFPs’ imagination and speaks to their beliefs, they go all in, dedicating their time, energy, thoughts and emotions to the project. Their shyness keeps them from the podium, but they are the first to lend a helping hand where it’s needed.
  • Dedicated and Hard-Working – While others focusing on the challenges of the moment may give up when the going gets tough, INFPs (especially Assertive ones) have the benefit of their far-reaching vision to help them through. Knowing that what they are doing is meaningful gives people with this personality type a sense of purpose and even courage when it comes to accomplishing something they believe in.
  • Too Idealistic – INFPs often take their idealism too far, setting themselves up for disappointment as, again and again, evil things happen in the world. This is true on a personal level too, as INFPs may not just idealize their partners, but idolize them, forgetting that no one is perfect.
  • Too Altruistic – INFPs sometimes see themselves as selfish, but only because they want to give so much more than they are able to. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, as they try to push themselves to commit to a chosen cause or person, forgetting to take care of the needs of others in their lives, and especially themselves.
  • Impractical – When something captures INFPs’ imagination, they can neglect practical matters like day-to-day maintenance and simple pleasures. Sometimes people with the INFP personality type will take this asceticism so far as to neglect eating and drinking as they pursue their passion or cause.
  • Dislike Dealing With Data – INFPs are often so focused on the big picture that they forget the forest is made of individual trees. INFPs are in tune with emotions and morality, and when the facts and data contradict their ideals, it can be a real challenge for them.
  • Take Things Personally – INFPs often take challenges and criticisms personally, rather than as inspiration to reassess their positions. Avoiding conflict as much as possible, INFPs will put a great deal of time and energy into trying to align their principles and the criticisms into a middle ground that satisfies everybody.
  • Difficult to Get to Know – INFPs are private, reserved and self-conscious. This makes them notoriously difficult to really get to know, and their need for these qualities contributes to the guilt they often feel for not giving more of themselves to those they care about.
Famous INFPs:

William Shakespeare
J.R.R. Tolkien
Johnny Depp
Julia Roberts
Lisa Kudrow
Tom Hiddleston

Fictional INFPs:

“Frodo Baggins” from The Lord of the Rings
“Anne of Green Gables”
“Fox Mulder” from X-Files
“Deanna Troi” from Star Trek
“Wesley Crusher” from Star Trek
I gotta go for now, but I will post more of what I learn later!
Love you,
 P.S. This is me so much right now:
But INFPs aren’t necessarily in a rush to commit – they are, after all, Prospecting (P) types, and are almost always looking to either establish a new relationship or improve an existing one – they need to be sure they’ve found someone compatible. In dating, INFPs will often start with a flurry of comparisons, exploring all the ways the current flame matches with the ideal they’ve imagined. This progression can be a challenge for a new partner, as not everyone is able to keep up with INFPs’ rich imagination and moral standards – if incompatibilities and conflict over this initial rush mount, the relationship can end quickly, with INFPs likely sighing that “it wasn’t meant to be.”

Dear Miranda, Perfection is my Enemy.

Which I know sounds ridiculous because I (we) are constant seekers of perfection. Sometimes it’s a good thing because it helps me constantly push for growth and create new goals. But Perfection is a Frienemy. She LOVES to do this thing where she keeps my mind so busy thinking up all the was I need to make things perfect and all the ways that things are “bad”, “failures”, “losses” and distract me from the fact that I am improving. And it works on me like 98.9% of the time. 

As I stood in the bathroom helping Emily brush her teeth tonight I couldn’t help but feeling defeated and overwhelmed. I’m a mess. There are dishes in the sink that I need to do. There are towels in the dryer that need folding. The living room looks like a tornado hit it. I haven’t hardly made any progress on the stitching project I want to do. I keep messing up on my diet…

This train of thought would have continued in a loop as it usually does, building that tight anxious pressure in my chest that never seems to go away but then I remembered the sermon I heard today at church. We are reading in James and talking about being steadfast and what it means to give thanks for the things that seem to be struggles and TRUST that God is working through them to show himself to us and through us.

And little by little I started to see some of what I had been missing.

I have learned to do dishes after ever meal. I repeat: AFTER EVERY MEAL. So the dishes in the sink that I’m fretting about are a tiny pile.

The towels that are in the dryer are my last load of laundry. All my other laundry has been washed, folded, and put away (with the exception of some grey I still need to fold). I have a totally fresh start to this week.

I used my time wisely with Emily today. The living room is trashed because we played. And we went to church. And we played outside. And when she was hanging out with my parents I used the time opportunity to plan, prep, and put together all three of my meals plus snacks for tomorrow.


Enjoying the tiny break in the cold weather.

Every day I eat right is a day better then what I had been doing. So yeah… while I might be struggling to get back on the wagon, every little bit I do is an improvement. If I eat great two or three days a week, that is two of three days better then I was before.

I am doing good. I am doing better for myself a little bit at a time. And I will not let perfection destroy the joy of improvement!