So last post I left you with:
“I know I sound like a broody teenager right now, but I get frustrated reliving bits and pieces of my life over and over. It’s almost like I keep having to do the same shit over and over and over in life until I get it right. Maybe I am. Maybe that’s what God does. He just hits reset on the parts you need to work on… but I clearly am not learning because as I said… its always more of the same. Help me be more grateful. Quick!”
I was having a really bad day and just continuing to struggle with the issues that have been plaguing me. One of the biggest ones being that I hate never getting to see Emily because of my job. I work for an organization that centers around kids who have been removed by CPS. The reason I never get to see my daughter is because I work in an emergency shelter with kids who have been removed from 1pm-10pm most weekdays and 8am-10pm every other weekend. So when she wakes up I get her ready for and take her to daycare and when I get home she is already asleep. The only days I get to actually spend time with her are my days off. So OTHER that not getting to see Emily as much as I want I freaking love my job.
Anyway, back to me pouting… The reason I was so stirred up about this on that particular day was in part due to the fact that we are studying James at church. The study is called Steadfast, and it is extremely good. It’s also extremely difficult and emotional because it is all about learning to take our most trying situations and count it all as joy. It’s about being grateful because everything that happens, even if it seems horrible, God has a reason for. It’s about learning to instead of praying for God to get you OUT of the situation your in that is driving you crazy, to ask him for the wisdom to see it as he does. Patrick said in one of the sermons that God wont change your situation until you learn something about him or yourself threw him. He said if you use your own means to get out of the situation while ignoring him it will keep repeating in your life (I’m paraphrasing here and not doing a great job, if you want to see the three services so far on it you can watch them here: http://www.stonegatefellowship.com/media.html). And that shit really ruffled my feathers …because for real that is what my life has felt like. Sometimes the truth is maddeningly frustrating.
So after I ranted to you I said a very honest prayer. I didn’t try and pretend I was angry and struggling to understand, but I did genuinely want to see things threw Gods eyes. And the peace wasn’t instant. It didn’t wash over me like a magical flood…but it DID and IS coming.
The next day I felt a little better and decided this:
Maybe God made Emily so resilient and easy going because he needed me help kids that didn’t have anyone. Maybe he gave her a huge and very active family who are more then willing to help with her because I would need support while he used me elsewhere. I still craved more time with Emily but I thanked God for choosing me for such a massively important job and decided that I would stick it out for as long as he needed me there. When he was ready he would open a door for me and if the opportunity never arose then I simply was needed there permanently. I wasn’t going to quit my job.
I started thinking about it a lot. Last week three different families of kids left the shelter back to back (when they get placed with a foster family or go home they leave). In each of the families there were kids that I had gotten extremely close to. The three kids that I got the closest too in fact all left. It was so hard and I cried with each one, tears of joy for some, tears of worry for others. I was so thankful that I got to be a part of their lives and I truly believe I made a difference in there life during a time that was really hard. I was glad I had toughed it out and stuck with it. They had needed me and even though I had been struggling I had been there and now it was so obvious why..
The next day I woke up feeling really good and like I could finally “see” clearly with the wisdom I had as to why he had needed me there. That day the Director of a new program, at the organization I work for ask me if I was still interested in a position I had showed some interest in over a month ago. I honestly had given up on it as not only had I never formally applied for it but also because I never heard anything back. Turns out I didn’t hear anything because the Director was in the process of applying for grants to help fund the program. I couldn’t help but laugh. Just like that, I was truly thankful and a door opened right up.
To make a long story short I took the job. I will now be working with parents who have had a child removed in hopes of family reunification. The program offers Therapy for the parents because many of them grew up in homes that were the same if not worse than their children and they need to work through their own issues to understand how to/ be able to be a better parent. It offers parenting classes and family therapy and group therapy and supervised visitation. To help be able to make a family whole and healthy instead of struggling is a big deal and it’s really cool to get to be a part of that. AND… I will be off work by 7 every night and wont work weekends… so I WILL HAVE MORE TIME WITH EMILY.
I start Monday so if I’m scarce for a while that’s why. I love you face. God is good. ❤ Me