I have so much to tell you about and there is no way I’m going to be able to condense it all. This is the best I can do. My new job is amazing. Like. Fantastic. But a couple of things have happened to convince me that I really need to finally sort out all my emotional baggage.
1. I work with a bunch of therapists. Which is really great because they are totally understanding of your emotions and take your feelings and personality into consideration in the workplace enabling you to use your strong points and filling in the gaps in your weak ones. All work places should be like that. Unfortunately they also know when you are bull shitting AND they constantly are handing me (because I’m interested) books about the biochemical effect that past stress and trauma have on your body and mind. And to say the least, it’s profound. Which I mean I knew but I like to pretend I’m different and I’ve got it all worked out. (I don’t.)
2. The therapist I work for are all making a really big push for me to go back to school and finish my degree. They think I should be working in the field with them. And that’s extremely flattering. But part of the deal with why I haven’t continued to pursue that path is this: I would be unethical to do trauma work with clients when I have a jumbled personal mess of a past that I haven’t worked on. It’s just way to risky that you would get your own stuff mixed in with theirs and that is no good! Even now doing what I do I feel like it would be really beneficial to have emotional clarity.
3. The more I read and study the “evolution” of trauma and the way who we are and the habits we form are because of our childhood and repeated in cycles they more relieved/distressed I become. I am relieved because so so so much of the things I thought were just weird quirks about me are actually part of a cause effect chain that I can actually SEE. And so many of the problems that continually resurface in my life are fixable with therapy (like scientifically… there are things a therapist can do to help you to put information that is trapped in one part of your brain, causing issues, into another where it should be). Therapy is so much more than just talking things out now days and since I work with Therapists I was able to get a really really good therapist recommended to me. Good therapy vs. Bad therapy is a big deal. Anyway back to the topic. I am distressed because I can already see ways in which I have probably done harm to my sweet little girl just because I am damaged. And for the first time in my life I really really see what it means to say in order to help others you must first help yourself. Just by continuing to try and work everything out on my own/minimize any problems I have/slough things off as it just being the way it is… is really damaging to Emily and to my relationship with her. And everyone else I get close to.
So I start therapy tomorrow. And I’m nervous… but I am also so freaking ready. I want to be a better me. I want to untangle the clutter in my brain and cut out the anxiety that I can’t escape from. I want to be more emotionally whole and more stable. I want to be a better girlfriend, better at my job, and most of all a better mother. Wish me luck.