Dear Miranda, it’s been a while…

I have been meaning to write you for some time now. This is the first chance I’ve had and I feel like there are 100 different topics I want to cover, most of witch I will undoubtedly not be able to recall now that I am actually siting in front of my computer. One of the things I remember wanting to update you on and talk to you about was my medication and mental health currently.

As you know I am taking 120mg of Cymbalta and 20mg of Buspar daily in order to combat depression and anxiety. I can honestly say that everyone, myself most of all, can tell what a massive difference it makes. The constant crying spells are gone and the emotional intensity through which even the most mundane things were filtered though has greatly lessened, inurn making life much more livable. I do have to say that while overall the effects of these drugs have been positive there are a few things that are rather unpleasant.

For one thing, I can not stop taking my medication even for a few days without experiencing withdraw. And let me tell you…the comedown impossible to mistake. Migraines, dizziness, extreme light headedness, nausea & vomiting, and horrific mood swings. It’s extremely unpleasant. The other major thing I dislike is that it greatly reduces my sex drive (I know, I know, Welcome to the land of basically every anti depressant ever). I’m a young newlywed and this is something I’d rather not have to deal with but it looks like I’m going to have to.

At this point the pros still vastly outweigh the cons, as I am able to function as a “normal” adult. I can finally have deep thoughts (or really ANY thoughts) without it culminating into me feeling unlovable, like a failure, or just generally unhappy and turning me into a sobbing heap on the floor/bed/bathroom/car/where ever I happen to be. I know this might sound trivial but I can listen to music. Always before this was a struggle as music seemed to often ease my mind down unhealthy trains of though before I was conscious of it and by the time I was it was to late. That doesn’t happen much anymore and when it does I’m able to sit calmly with my feelings for a moment, mull them over, and then let them pass.

The nicest thing I thing is that at this point I have hit that “evening out” place they always talk about. The medication is fully in my system and my body has adjusted to and learned to regulate it. It’s an interesting place to be because I’m not sure that I have ever been able to really sit with my feelings and analyze them. It seems the task of getting out from under some of the bad habits I have learned over the years is not quite so daunting or seemingly impossible. My mind is, in a word, much more clear.

That sort of leads me to my next topic, therapy. I still see my therapist, though not as regularly since I am doing quite a bit better. I am going to see her this Thursday and talk to her about the possibility of doing a group therapy session for codependents. I know one of there person that is really interested and I am sure that she would know several. I think it would be highly beneficial. The issue is that our local chapter of ALANON is, to be honest, not what I’m looking for. I don’t want to fix someone else. I want to fix ME and though that’s the goal of ALANON, I think it sort of gets missed sometimes here.

I want to work on my need to control my situation, my fear of royally screwing up Emily (doing all the things that messed me up as a kid), subconscious manipulation, my fear of abandonment, and several other big issues that need to continuously be addressed until they are easy for me t identify and work on.

Outside of mental health and into just day to day stuff I think I have done a descent job of keeping you up to date.

Zac and I are doing well. We are reaching that “evening out” place in our relationship as well which is nice. We have a little independence from each other while still doing/desiring to spend the majority of our time hanging out with each other. I desperately want to start eating better and doing SOME for of working out which is hard because I’ll be doing it alone but at least were at a place where that’s ok.

We were planning  to go look at manufactured homes this weekend but it I the first weekend in such a long time that we didn’t have Emily, and didn’t have a huge to do list, that we decided to just try and enjoy a lazy weekend. I’m glad too. I finished a book, laid around on the sofa, cuddled in bed, sat around in my underwear. I needed a life break.

This was the first time in ages I have simultaneously had a book that really sucked me in AND had the ability to just sit on my ass and read for hours. I took full advantage of it and read my book in roughly a day. Its such a fantastic feeling. I have book afterglow and this book left me with lots and lots to mull over and ponder and consider. I really enjoyed it and now I’m sifting through the stack by my bed deciding which one to read next.

Work is crazy right now. We have doubled if not tripled our client intake in a matter of a week or to and I’m STILL working on intakes. I am really excited by the prospect of this program getting so big and doing so well. I’m also excited to finally be overseeing someone. Monique is crazy easy to oversee as well. Right now about 25% of my time is spent doing visits while the rest is in the office trying to play catch up. Don’t misconstrue this as complaining…I LOVE when its busy and function better the more work there is to do. The only thing I don’t like are deadlines I don’t create but I mean duh… who doesn’t.

There are a few thing I’m frustrated with at work. For one thing I don’t think I should have been required to help write the protocol manual and it has eaten up a lot of valuable time that I feel like could have been better spent. Part of the issue is that my boss is having to do like 6 different jobs right now because of administrative changes in other programs. She filling in while they get new people hired and placed/people come back from maternity leave, ect. It also makes it hard because she isn’t often available for questions. Lastly they let go of my best friend up there and frankly I’m pretty bitter about it. Mostly I just miss her company and support. She always made me feel valued and important.

Emily is doing well. She is testing out being bossy and throwing hissyfits again, which is irritating but usually short lived. And overall she is a pleasant child. She is doing gymnastics and seems to really enjoy it. I’m loving her age because we can play lots of little games together. Candy land, Cooties, Don’t Break the Ice, the matching game, and I SPY are staples. She likes kerplunk and Janga too. Best of all she is interested in anything you want to show her/explore with her. She still loves her books and when we get a place of our own I want to get her a nice, real, bookshelf just like mine.

Overall life is good out here in the desert, hope you are doing well too. ❤ Catie

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2 thoughts on “Dear Miranda, it’s been a while…

  1. I miss you too and love you immensely. My bitterness about the loss of a job a loved has mainly to do with the amazing team I was privileged to work with…you, the children, the families…the idea that we were making a positive difference in the lives of those who need it most. The downward spiral of depression, for me at least, will improve when I find a job that pays the bills. Having a job Iove is no longer my main goal. For now, I’ll be satisfied with a job that I can be good at. The self esteem took a huge hit. Goal one is to reverse that.

    Love you and am grateful beyond words for your friendship!

    Liked by 1 person

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