Dear Miranda, Here I go…

I find myself at a strange but not totally unfamiliar juncture in my life. We have talked about cycles in life before. How you (collective you) will go through one thing only to go through something else shortly after.

They cycle I am in now seems to be one breed out of a need for independence. Honestly I am SICK of people telling me what I should and shouldn’t be doing. It is remarkable how as humans we always have options on how everyone else should fix themselves yet we have no idea what the hell we are doing in our own lives. As a codependent I am guilty of this line of though… “Oh, if so and so did X Y and Z would help them out so much.” L.O.L.

I feel like a big part of why my depression is so bad is because while researching the billion things to do to make myself happier I let myself become bogged down in everyone else and everyTHING else and my venture to find something fulfilling turned into boredom of the same rhythms of life and annoyance at everyone’s opinions.

And then I remembered one of those little gems of life. I do not have to justify myself to anyone! So hard for my codependent brain to grasp, I always have a thousand arguments for why, but that’s just the thing. I don’t have to. I can actually DO ME without explaining the little intricacies of every decision I make. Maybe if I was a sociopath this would be problematic. But I’m not. I don’t even have to justify things to myself.

I don’t have to debate. I don’t have to argue. I can hear someone opinion and politely ignore it without having a visceral reaction to it. I can mind my own damn business when it comes to other people’s shit too. I don’t have to involve myself and I don’t have to espouse my “knowledge” to people who don’t ask for it. I can let others do them while I do me.

Anyway, this cycle, is me stepping away. I feel like I have read enough self-help books for a while and now I need to just live. Live out the things I want to and wait till another time to live out others. After a period of hyper connectedness with everyone I feel like I need a time of isolation.

So I’ll let this be my link to the outside world, you, and our friends. You can pop inside my head for a bit and know I am fine all while I ‘disappear’ for a time.

Love your face,

Me.

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One thought on “Dear Miranda, Here I go…

  1. Ahh, the cycles. Do continue to drop in and let me know you are alive. I will endeavor between things (school, work, life) to respond. It’ll all come full circle.

    Like

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