Congratulations, Catie.

You don’t get a choice.

You have to read my shit.(re: my book)

I’m going to be sending it to you as often as I type it, and you have to read it.

Hope you’re up for the challenge.

Expect the first piece in your email soon.

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Dear Miranda, I once had some resolutions…

So I haven’t thought about this in a while (as in months), or only vaguely but I figured I could go over them once more. Mostly I think its funny how I seem to be doing a lot better than I thought considering I haven’t been consciously thinking of these.

Just for kicks, let’s review:

1. Keep Up with the Health thing.
I have been eating so much Mexican food lately and more fast food then normal. I don’t even have a good excuse other then I’ve been lazy and not giving a fuck. I’ve probably gained between 5-10 lbs since May. I can’t lie… as  am typing this, I’m thinking about what I want for dinner and carbs are at the top of the list.
2. Take a BIG trip.
 My mother and I’s trip to Scotland and Ireland is booked and I’m just waiting around for the day to arrive. Currently I’m stressing the fuck out about having enough (read:any) money to spend while I’m over there, but I AM going over there so there’s that.
3. Start an IRA and a savings fund.
 Done and Done. I now have no money because it all went into this shit, but at least I did it.  
4. Drink more Water.
 No change. I really suck at this.
5. Be more positive/happier.
 I’ve grown so much this year. Seems like I had several years of stagnant and then a TON of change all at once. I wont lie… there have been a lot of growing pains and lots of tears shed this year, but it’s all worth it because for me I can’t be happy with out growth. Things have stabilized a lot however I’m still cultivating a bunch of thoughts and emotions and sorting through “life stuff”.
On a side note I have also cut out and separated myself from a lot of the negativity in my life. It’s funny how it seemed so impossible to do this at one point but simply by choosing to do things and be around people who are ALSO working to be happy instead of what I was doing some of the bullshit just disappeared on its own.
6. Make time.
 I feel like this is the thing I have been the most overall successful at.
As you know with my friend Richard’s limited timeframe left it was a wake up call on top of having been trying to work on this anyway. I have made time for family both far and near, as well as setting aside time for friends, and Emily. Doing things with her makes me feel like less of a failure when she acts like a normal difficult 3 year old. I’ve taken her to the children’s museum. She, Zac, and I go swimming or to the park at least once a week. I’ve let her help me cook and worked puzzles and watched movies and just snuggled with her more than I had been.
I’m trying hard not to say “Sorry, I’ve just been busy.” I may not get to be everywhere in person but I’ve been trying to keep up weather it be through texts, or e-mails, or phone calls, or coffee dates, or even this blog.
I’m trying to reach out to everyone and trying to repair torn bonds and if I can’t then to let them go and move on.
And it’s working.
7. Write more. Dance more. Sing more.
I feel like this should just be “Play more” and I feel like it’s pretty much parallel to “make time”.
8. Make new friends.
I’m realizing this as an adult with a small child means something different then it used to. I have some friends at work that I love and adore though we rarely (if ever) hang outside of work, yet I’m deeply grateful for them. I feel this is a little victory.
9. Don’t kiss all the boys.
This is an epic fail. However… I’m not sorry at all. Every boy I have “kissed” (metaphorically and physically) has been an important part of me figuring my shit out. I don’t want to take it back or change it or start over. I needed it. Which… I think you may have told me at one point. 🙂

Dear Miranda, Resolution overview three months in.

1. Keep Up with the Health thing.
I am at a place where I am just maintain instead of trying to lose now, so that’s nice… I should go to the gym more, but overall I’m doing well.
2. Take a BIG trip.
I send off for my new passport on Thursday. *flail* And I will be looking at tickets soon.  
3. Start an IRA and a savings fund.
I talked to my accountant today about starting an IRA and how it will affect my taxes and what not. I will know more on the 17th and hopefully start it before April. 😀 
4. Drink more Water.
5. Be more positive/happier.
I’ve been sort of pissy lately. I’ll work on it.
6. Make time.
The Dallas trip was fun and this Friday- Monday I am taking the little one to Gruene with the family to do literally almost nothing but just hang out. It is one of my favorite times of the year and I cant wait to get away with Memes for a few days.
7. Write more. Dance more. Sing more.
Fucking life. Gets in the way of living again. Damn it. I’m on it.
8. Make new friends.
I’m realizing this may or may not be a good thing. Men I think interoperate “friend” as “we should bang”. So I have also had to crush some dreams. Heartless.
9. Don’t kiss all the boys.
I don’t even know what color this should be. I have a boy, so I’m defiantly not kissing all of them.

Dear Miranda, I think I found God and Myself today. Turns out they were in the same place.

Today I decided to work on just BEING me, instead of trying to FIX me.

And it was really nice. I think in the midst of the hailstorm of emotions I have been having lately I have been so focused on “fixing” myself that I have sort of missed the point. Yes there are things I don’t like about myself and things I can improve on…

But they don’t define me. My faults are not who I am any more than my strengths are. Those things are all just pieces of me but at my core there is something I cant change or alter. I suppose some would call it your soul, but w/e you call it that’s what’s always been there and will always be there.

I love that part of me.

And I’m about to get religious so those of you who aren’t down with that, you may go ahead and exit now if you wish. And if you are religious you may ALSO want to head out because these are my own personal philosophy’s and may or may not blend with what the church says.

Here is the thing Miranda. The more I have been wrestling with myself, the more I have been wrestling with my faith. I found that I was starting to think maybe I was disillusioned for ever believing in the first place. And I was angry. Why has God let this happen? If God is so Great why didn’t he do XY and Z.

And then I had this crazy thought.

When I doubt myself, I doubt God.
When I don’t feel worthwhile, I don’t think God is worthwhile.
When I am angry with myself, I am angry with God.
When I feel like a failure, I feel like he has failed me.

And I struggled with that for a while and it made me think about in Eat, Pray, Love how she comes to this realization that God is a PART of her. And she doesn’t need to pray looking up to the sky, but pray reflecting in on herself.

Think about it… if we are made in God’s image, the we are all a part of him. And if he is with us always, then he is a part of us. We are in God and God is in us.

And that is the part of me that I can not change, do not want to change, and love. I’ve never really understood when people talked about being in the “presence” of God, because I don’t generally feel that in a church. The times when I feel the most spiritual are times when I am alone in my room thinking, or out in the middle of no where camping, staring at the stars with someone, or singing “You are my sunshine” in the morning to Emily on the drive to school.

But maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s the whole point that I have been missing. I need to spend more time just being me. And being with me. Its not so much about being alone or not or what ever so much as it is casting aside all of the clutter to just BE.

Anyway. I hope that all make since.

❤ -Catie