May Resolutions Review

Hey B.

Let’s see… a little check up on my resolutions and how they’re going… ?

 

Week One Jan 3-9 : No more sodas. (I feel like this is super reasonable. I love tea and everything else just as much if not more.)

HAH. I think I succeeded on this one, but it didn’t last long. *sips her Dr. Pepper*  Maybe I should get back to work on this one.

 

Week Two Jan 10-16: No more candy. (This will be so difficult at work.)

You know, this one stuck. I don’t eat candy, really. I am chewing gum lately to trick my brain when I get anxiety, but that’s about it.

 

Week Three Jan 17-23: 6 of 7 days, cut out fast food. (This includes breakfast. Oh, that will be so difficult. I am going to practice Week One and Two.)

HAHAHAHAHAHA…. I really need to fix this. I mean, to be fair, since I bought my lunchbox, I have been having mainly sandwiches and water. But, for breakfast, ugh. I still swing by Chikfila and throw away my money. Not only is it not good for me, but it kills my bank account. (More on Finances later.)

 

Week Four Jane 24-30: Pescetarian again. (Only Fish and Poultry for the meats.)

For the most part, I have done this, though I admit to having Black Forest Ham on my sandwiches. RIP.

 

 

 

New goals for this month? Let’s see.

For the first time, ever, Matthew and I are trying Envelopes as a way to manage money. It’s been pretty great so far because we physically see the money we have and don’t have before we make financial decisions. This is only week one, but it’s already made me that much more conscious, so I’m hoping this one sticks.

gave up gaming, though this wasn’t a goal of mine. It’s a cycle, I know. I play the games for a bit and then I get off them and back to the world for a bit. This is also not out of any ‘games are bad, mmkay’ rant at all. I love games. Just like I love movies and books. Granted, the ones I play have stories that keep me interested as opposed to shooters and stuff, but oh well. It’s worked out, though. I’ve been watching movies again, tv shows I enjoy, and reading. When doing the hobby of roleplaying, I never feel like I have time to do those things, so it’s nice. It was most horrible when I lead the guild. I felt I had to live and breathe the guild, work, sleep, repeat. Thankfully, I had enough sense to still spend time with Matthew and Elijah outside of it, so nothing was truly damaged as far as my life goes. I am proud I had a handle on that and felt I was responsible. Emotionally, eventually, it took a toll but that’s neither here nor there related to time. In any case, I’m writing now. So that’s cool. 

I have been going to bed around 8-10pm more often than not during the week and in turn, been getting up earlier and feeling more energetic and just at peace. While at first, I panicked thinking OH NO MIRANDA, YOU ARE NOT BEING PRODUCTIVE WITH YOUR ONLY ‘YOU TIME’, but I was. I was choosing health. I was choosing to be well rested so I could effectively kick ass at work and stuff. I was choosing to shower in the morning before work and wake myself up proper. I was choosing to stick to a schedule. It’s fan-fucking-tastic.

In addition, I want to continue my discovery of faith. I swear, every month that goes by has felt so good. I have never felt so peaceful and healthy. I have stopped feeling like I’m a royal fuck up that’s going to die and end up in the wrong place because I didn’t dot my i’s and cross my t’s. I don’t feel like by doing things I have always done, that I am being ‘wrong’ or ‘sinning’ or not ‘good enough’. I just… Ahh. It’s so nice. I don’t like to shit on things in order to make myself feel better. (Don’t get me wrong. I’m imperfect. I still do it. But I am trying not to.) So any Christians reading this, I speak purely and truly to my own experience and life – and nothing of you and your particular stories. I hope they are wonderful, and they are what you need and breathe. You do you, boo. I’m doin’ me.

The last but not least thing is, I am evaluating my relationships. In that mean, I have a lot of codependency issues I am clearing up with myself, and they have with or without my knowledge affected my friendships in some way, be it minor or major. I don’t know who will stick around afterward, who will come closer, or who will have no clue what I am talking about. I am learning about boundaries, and limits, and self-help, and not putting up with shit I don’t care about. At this point, if people who have seen me in my best, in my worst, and in my struggles of sweet ecstasy don’t want to be around … Fare thee well, Felicia. 🙂  

Relationships go two ways. For me, things that are the most important are Communication. Honesty. Forgiveness. If you can’t meet me on at least two of these, then we’re gonna have a bad time.

 

 

Anyhow. That’s me.

-M

Here, have some music.

Dear Catie, I had a conversation with someone about being Emotionally Strong.

… And I was really proud of how I handled it, so I wanted to put it here in case there are others who can benefit from it. I hope you enjoy. All names will be changed for privacy of the person I spoke with.

This is a link to what started the conversation. There are some things I don’t agree with, like the man’s use of the word ‘Never’, but overall, I found his post inspirational for those seeking to strengthen their emotions. Someone responded with sarcasm and I told them I was disappointed in that response, saying it was uncalled for. So, they took it upon themselves to reply in a much more civil fashion, and thus this beautiful correspondence happened:

 I didn’t mean to come across as a dick by being sarcastic. It’s kinda my default setting. I’ll try to explain why I disagree with this entire article in a neutral fashion.

If this article was made with the intention of inspiring me and making me feel better, it’s failure to do so is notdown to me, it’s down to the author. It isn’t a reader’s responsibility to intentionally feel the way an author wants them to.

Furthermore, according to this article, being upset by something is my own fault, not the fault of the person who upset me. I personally think this is incorrect.

There’s also an implication throughout the article that I disagree with. The purpose of these tips is to make yourself “emotionally stronger” (whatever that even means) and it then goes on to list a few things that one could consider kind or thoughtful towards others. However, the problem I find with this is that they’re using self-improvement as a motivation for being forgiving, or even loving someone. As if being kind or love itself isn’t motivation enough on its own.

For example: “I forgive you for sabotaging my relationship with my ex-wife, but only because I want to become emotionally stronger.”




Readers, have you ever felt this way about any of these opinions? I will not share what I wrote in response, hoping to clarify some of his points.

Oh, I see! Okay! I will try to explain the best I can, but if it doesn’t make any sense, or you continue to disagree, then we can simply agree to see differently.

” It isn’t a reader’s responsibility to intentionally feel the way an author wants them to.” Truth. I agree. If he wrote this expecting everyone to feel EXACTLY DOWN TO A T what he feels, he is a dumbass. The reader is not responsible for not feeling exactly down to a T what the author has put.

“If this article was made with the intention of inspiring me and making me feel better, it’s failure to do so is not down to me, it’s down to the author.”
Truth again. While it was meant to inspire and make many feel better and it failed to move you, it is not on you for not feeling that way. Different people are different stages in their lives, their emotional well being, and their self-esteem are going to interpret this differently. For example, someone who is aware of their emotional instability who is seeking for inspiration or such, will find it most often than not. For someone who is not, or doesn’t care to on some level, maybe they won’t see it at all? As this is an internet collum, where many people in many stages of anything may read it, it is impossible for the author to assume 100% agreement with his statements, as they just won’t happen. However, if he reaches out and helps many, but doesn’t help a few, that is not a lost cause. That’s just how that one plays out sometimes. It’s not his fault there are a few who don’t receive the message, because of this entire paragraph’s reasoning. However, it’s certainly not the reader’s fault either. For whatever reason, the message wasn’t received. Lost in translation, nothing more.

Your second to last paragraph involving not knowing what ’emotionally stronger’ means, I will touch upon this particular case. To be emotionally strong: (as told by medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com ) “emotional stability and resiliency, characterized by assertiveness, caring, coping, and stress-management skills.” When you are stable emotionally, and the bad things that WILL happen, happen, you are better prepared to face them. For example, if I have no self-esteem (which in turn causes me to be emotionally unstable for a number of reasons), and someone comes up and tells me I’m fat, or ugly, or pale (as if this is a negative thing and I need to tan), then I am going to get all kinds of riled up, or upset, and cry a lot, and allow this to affect the way I see myself even further. However, if my self-esteem (and therefor, emotional stability) is better than this, or healing (as mine is today), someone can call me fat, ugly, or pale and I will think twice. Maybe in comparison to what they are used to seeing in their daily life, I am bigger? Maybe they feel that another type of body or physical appearance is more attractive to them, and that may not be the same to my own standards? That’s okay. As someone who is stronger in my esteem and emotional stability, I can hear that and think about it. either way, the problem is coming from them, and it’s my decision to let it affect me or not.

Which leads in to my next explanation. “Furthermore, according to this article, being upset by something is my own fault, not the fault of the person who upset me. I personally think this is incorrect.”

You are entitled to this opinion. You truly, truly are. However, the reason many will disagree with you, Mr. Paul included, is because: You are in control of your own emotions. — I know, what? WHAT? Crazy, right? I thought so aswell, but when my counselor of a year or so ago told me this, I laughed my ass off. “Certainly not,” I said, but she explained that in my particular case, in which someone would be cruel to me or attempt to guilt me… I had a choice. I could let them, and I could feel guilty about whatever it was, or I could accept that.. This is their /attempt/ to make me feel this way, and I have a choice. When I choose to let them make me feel guilty, I don’t feel good about myself. I begin to loathe myself. I began to hurt myself either with things I would say to myself about myself, or physically. It’s not a healthy way to live, letting others affect me. It’s similar to my example of someone being rude and insulting my physical appearance. I can choose to go and cry about it, or I can be confident enough in myself to see that either they have another view of beauty, or they’ve got some problems of their own. Neither are about me, and thus it is my choice. Now, is the person who is being rude at fault for being rude? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY, because that’s just mean. Why do it? But is it their fault if I get pissed about it? No. That’s on me. I could have taken a step back, etc etc.

Bottom line: Your own actions are your own doing. No one can make you do something without your consent. No one can make you feel inferior without your agreement. (this, of course, excludes things like someone physically forcing something upon you. If someone takes my hand and hits my face with it, that obviously wasn’t my fault if I can’t overpower them. But in this case, we are speaking of emotions, not physical boundaries.)

My final point: “I forgive you for sabotaging my relationship with my ex-wife, but only because I want to become emotionally stronger.”

Forgiving someone, I personally believe, is not when you tell them you forgive them for whatever happened. Forgiving someone is when you don’t even have to tell them, and you believe it of yourself. Example:

If Bob had sexy with Jane, who is Joe’s jusband, and sabotaged their marriage… There are too many factors here that could be involved in the sabotaging of their marriage. I mean, Jane obviously had sex back, and maybe they were unhappy, or she was weak, or maybe she’s a slut, but the fault is never 100% Bob’s fault. So I won’t use this example.

So, from the example of, “You beat the shit out of me in high school, but I forgive you because I want to become emotionally stronger.”

You don’t have to say this at all. If Billy, who beat you up in high school, comes to you asking for forgiveness, then you can say whatever you like and that’s on you. But actual forgiveness is when you can sit there with yourself and think, “Billy beat the shit out of me in high school, and that was awful. When I see Billy, I get angered instantly, and my mood sours, and sometimes I think about paying back the favor.” That’s affecting you. You’re letting him affect you. If you truly forgave him, or if you want to forgive him, you must work on thinking about: “The longer I am angry with Billy for what he’s done, the longer I allow myself to feel angry, or let my mood be soured. I don’t like being angry, or being in a poor mood. To get rid of it, I have to let this go. I have to forgive him. If I truly let it go, I will be free of feeling so angry around him, or letting it ruin my mood. I will be happy. I will be more emotionally stable around him.” Yes. Forgiving someone makes you emotionally stronger. Have you noticed that it may be really freaking hard to ‘just be kind or love’ Billy otherwise? I encourage you to endeavor to try not forgiving Billy and being kind or loving him. And it’s not only forgiving him to feel better about yourself. What if you truly forgave him, and by the time you had, Billy comes around and asks for forgiveness, being truly sorry? You will have the power to tell him, “You know what, man? I forgive you.” And it can end there. Or it can grow into a friendship. Maybe Billy had a rough childhood? It’s not right, still, to have bullied you, but it gives you the opportunity to grow, to learn, to realize Billy is more than a bully, and that in itself makes you emotionally stronger. Thinking of people as more than the surface is very hard to do, especially when they’ve wronged you. But if you can think of no reason to forgive someone out of just being kind or being loving, then another way to attempt is to remember, you will grow from it yourself and move on.

I hope some of this shed some light. If it didn’t for you, I hope maybe it did for someone else who’s reading this who may also have been confused. I invite you to continue this discussion here if we can manage to be civil (which your last response was remarkably so!), but if we can’t, I ask that we take it to PMs, or perhaps just leave it as a ‘We just won’t/don’t agree at this time.”

Thanks for writing back, Sir. I appreciate seeing your point of view.

So, in conclusion readers, I hope this helped shed some light. If any other comments between us are made, I will consider sharing them as well to give you the full conversation / context.

-Miranda