Dear Catie, the older I get, the less I care.

I’m not talking empathy. That is still high and I will always feel unmeasurable pangs of guilt, sorrow, sympathy, empathy, happiness… etc. That’s part of BPD. I’ll never be ‘mellow yellow’, but you get used to living with that after a while.

What I am talking about is the older I get, the less fucks I give about things like:

  • How someone other than me parents (as long as it doesn’t hurt the kid)
  • How someone other than me loves another person (gays, bisexuals, etc)
  • How someone other than me lives their life (as long as it doesn’t hurt someone)
  • What I eat, what I weight, and have I told you how much I love my body lately?

  • Where someone lives and the pictures of their ‘life’ they allow us to see on social medias
  • Keeping up on my own ‘social media’.

I try to post enough to let my grandmother not freak out, but honestly, I have found the tools on Facebook considering who is allowed to Follow you, See what you post, etc to be very helpful. I can now feel comfortable that I won’t step on any toes and other bullshit like that when I post things about how I feel with friends who are like minded. My family is southern, conservative for the most part, and not as… progressive? And that’s fine. I’ve learned that I don’t want to change them at all. Let them live how they always have, cause it’s not hurting anyone. While they disagree with gay marriage, they aren’t going out of their way to kill, abuse, or otherwise hurt gay people. *shrugs* And I know that I give less effs about what other people think, but Facebook is full of little ways that people can pipe up with their opinions and disagree with mine and make me feel like, in general, using facebook to share my opinions is a waste of time because they will be shit on every fucking time. (Which is why I hide a good majority of it now from those who do that.) (I’m looking at you, Joseph. I hope he reads this with the same humor as me, but damn, that guy is as much of an instigator as ever. AGAIN, THOUGH, WOULDN’T CHANGE ‘EM.)

  • What people think of me.

A good part of social media for me, way back before I left it, was I put way too much stock in to

  1. What people posted and how their lives that they let everyone see must be all there is to it.
  2. What people see of my life must be perfection, just like theirs, and wtf, why isn’t my life perfection like theirs?

A great part of learning people are full of shit and all about The Game of fronts and perceptions is that I don’t give a fuck to play a game I didn’t realize I was playing. Fuck the rules, fuck the ‘my life is perfect #blessed’ bullshit. I don’t care. I’m glad everyone’s so happy, but they got nothing on my life. Sorry ’boutcha.

And I mean that. You ask on the regular how I am doing, and I feel bad and like a parrot when I repeatedly state: “I’m good. We’re good. Everything’s groovy.” — But it’s the truth. Matthew and I are —

Oh wait. The readers have no idea about that. Oops. Summary recap.

Matt and I split up last summer in July 2014.

We were fantastic apart. We were nothing but nice and friendly to each other the entire split.

The worst part was divorcing not only him, but his parents. — And that’s a lesson we learned. We were married, but his parents were a heavy portion of our marriage. While, in their own lives, Matt’s grandparents were a huge part of their marriage, they felt that was the norm for everyone – so they including their lives so heavily on ours. I don’t mean ‘come and visit me once an a while’. I mean, where we live (apartment vs house), how much we pay, the city we live (was 7 minutes from their house), how often Elijah sees them else we hear about it, the things we spent our money on, keeping up appearances and visiting extended family at functions, going to the lake and outdoorsy things all the time when the weather allows.

None of these things are awful traits. They honestly do it because they care and that’s how they know how to care. They have always wanted what is best for Matthew and I, and if it worked for them, it must be ‘best’, right? I used to be so frustrated and angry with them and the way I feel they personally drove more stress and anxiety in to my life – in to Matt’s life – and then, in to our marriage because they ultimately ended up pinning Matt and I against each other on the regular. It was so unhealthy — but they aren’t solely responsible.

Boundaries are important, and if Matt and I never speak up, and never hold up to our end of the fence post, then they would never know where the boundary began.

Anyhow, so they were hard to divorce because they were hurting and I was the one to blame and blah blah. It was pretty ugly there, but I remained trying to be as nice as humanly possible because that’s how I was raised, and I didn’t want Elijah to think Nana and Pops were some horrible people. They’re not, and I don’t want him ever to think they’re anything than super heroes in his eyes.

Matt and I dated other people. Our paperwork wasn’t filed yet, but damn, do you know how expensive that crap is? You do, cause you’ve done it, but we agreed that we were both divorced, that neither would use in court some adultery charge if we were to date before we filed, etc etc. So we agreed to date others. We didn’t live together, we dated, we would occasionally update each other on how that was going, and we became best friends again. It was amazing.

And then, one night we decided to take Elijah out to eat together. And then we took him back to Matt’s place. And then I didn’t leave, and we fell back in love. It went something like this:

The most important thing I took from this separation is: We grew up.

We were not so focused on the other person, and would they still like the other person if we liked this or didn’t like that, or had a preference to this or that. We weren’t able to grow up healthily in our former relationship, between each other and his parents. I wasn’t allowed to feel comfortable, and feel like I wasn’t some freak because I didn’t like fishing like the others did. Or that I preferred to read. Or whatever.

We got to grow up when we were apart, and dating again was complete and total new territory. We were different people, who loved ourselves, and we went in to this relationship like this:

-Do we feel the same religiously? (Because I gained way more faith when I discovered I was Super Mom as a single mother)

-Can we communicate? (A huge problem before, where Matt would rather bottle things up than speak up about them at the risk I would blow up at him — and I would definitely blow up at him at every chance, with tensions so high.)

-Can we be our own people, but also still love each other? (I’m sorry, Matthew, but Grunge was so hard for me to pretend to like. While some is fine, I just can’t get behind Sound Garden. It’s not my jam, mannnn.)

-Can we be us, and not let anyone else intrude on our relationship? (We decided, if this would happen, that this time around we would gently let everyone know that it’s us against the world. Just us.)

Naturally, we came to an agreement. We dated in secret for a while, because while we can forgive each other and fall in love all over again as new people — everyone else that we knew in our family would likely be confused, hurt, and not know what the fuck was going on. I was definitely worried for his side of the family, who had every right to be bitter I feel. I was never worried for my family, though. They’ve always loved him and his family. I half expected a celebration — one that will come.

When we eventually came public, Matthew told his parents and informed them as gently as he could that it was he and I, and that this time, while he knows they love him, he would do his own thing with me. They didn’t quite understand, and he tried to explain, but again. That may be something that never changes, and that’s life. Gotta let it go.

Sooooo. Long story short, we’re happy. Still. I wouldn’t say it’s ‘honeymoon’ phase, because we’re smarter than that. We know there’s hardship, and we struggle – but our struggles are easier now. They seem so easy. Communication has been key. We both make more money, and love our jobs, which is huge. We live in Frisco — which is perfect for our lifestyles. We go on dates, with or without Elijah, weekly and without having to plan it.

I tell you, spontaneously asking the other person if they wanna go see a Movie tonight and knowing you can afford it without having to skimp on some bill is the best feeling in the world.

But, despite how amazing we are, I don’t like to go in to detail anymore. Why? Well..

  • It’s my life. Our life. And that’s between us. It’s a boundary.
  • Life really is great for us, but rather than post all the damn time about it on social medias, I’d rather people witness it if they’re curious if we’re just as happy as we seem.
  • I don’t have time any more to post on the regular about my life when I’m busy trying to write my book and relax on the small amounts of times I have. I work pretty heavily now (which I love), and Matt works opposite schedules, and Elijah is on a schedule, and while there is always time for the three of us – we don’t back burner each other, and that means things like this and gaming are not prioritized and it’s just hard to keep everyone updated.

I know you ask because you care, and because you can’t just ‘come over and chill’ and witness the glorious harmony yourself, but believe me when I tell you.. Things are groovy. We’re so lucky. No one I know has the love story we do, and let me say, just because it worked out for us, doesn’t mean it will work out for everyone going through divorce. I’m not one of those blindingly positive people who thinks people need to try harder. Not at all.

Also, just because he and I ended up never getting an official divorce on paper, we do consider ourselves divorced in our hearts, because we dated other people and truly attempted to live apart.  We fell out, definitely.

Which means as of today, we consider ourselves Boyfriend and Girlfriend, or dating. Someday, when we decide this is forever, and Matthew asks me to marry him again, we will have a ceremony in which we reconfirm our love for one another — but this time, with God involved, and on a personal scale. But that’s the future.

We’re enjoying the now.

Love you, Pot.

Dear Catie, I took the test again, and I got INFP! *gasps*

Untitled(click to enlarge)
PERSONALITY: INFP
VARIANT: TURBULENT
ROLE: DIPLOMAT
(Readers, this is from this site.)

“You are one of the Diplomats – an empathic and idealistic individual who enjoys exploring interesting ideas and prizes morality. You are known for your poetic nature, intuitive skills and pure, childlike enthusiasm. Above you will find a brief overview of your personality traits – proceed to the type overview to learn much more about your personality type. Prepare to be impressed.”

You know me, Catie. Always looking to know, and always changing. I took the test again because it’s a new year, and I was curious if I’d changed much at all. I answered as truthfully as possible with absolutely no ‘neutral’ answers. You can read all of the things, if you want, at this site but I will highlight some on this post that I found interesting. Really, only one letter changed, but it’s a difference! (Also, can I just say, I LOVE the ‘flower child’ icon? Hahaha.)

When deciding how to move forward, they will look to honor, beauty, morality and virtue – INFPs are led by the purity of their intent, not rewards and punishments. People who share the INFP personality type are proud of this quality, and rightly so, but not everyone understands the drive behind these feelings, and it can lead to isolation.

Also, one of your favorite quotes is on the page, too.

All that is gold does not glitter; not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither; deep roots are not reached by the frost.

J. R. R. Tolkien
 
Also, um, hello yes this is me:
INFPs have a talent for self-expression, revealing their beauty and their secrets through metaphors and fictional characters.
INFPs often drift into deep thought, enjoying contemplating the hypothetical and the philosophical more than any other personality type. Left unchecked, INFPs may start to lose touch, withdrawing into “hermit mode”, and it can take a great deal of energy from their friends or partner to bring them back to the real world.
 
Strengths:
  • Idealistic – INFPs’ friends and loved ones will come to admire and depend on them for their optimism. Their unshaken belief that all people are inherently good, perhaps simply misunderstood, lends itself to an incredibly resilient attitude in the face of hardship.
  • Seek and Value Harmony – People with the INFP personality type have no interest in having power over others, and don’t much care for domineering attitudes at all. They prefer a more democratic approach, and work hard to ensure that every voice and perspective is heard.
  • Open-Minded and Flexible – A live-and-let-live attitude comes naturally to INFPs, and they dislike being constrained by rules. INFPs give the benefit of the doubt too, and so long as their principles and ideas are not being challenged, they’ll support others’ right to do what they think is right.
  • Very Creative – INFPs combine their intuitive nature with their open-mindedness to allow them to see things from unconventional perspectives. Being able to connect many far-flung dots into a single theme, it’s no wonder that many INFPs are celebrated poets and authors.
  • Passionate and Energetic – When something captures INFPs’ imagination and speaks to their beliefs, they go all in, dedicating their time, energy, thoughts and emotions to the project. Their shyness keeps them from the podium, but they are the first to lend a helping hand where it’s needed.
  • Dedicated and Hard-Working – While others focusing on the challenges of the moment may give up when the going gets tough, INFPs (especially Assertive ones) have the benefit of their far-reaching vision to help them through. Knowing that what they are doing is meaningful gives people with this personality type a sense of purpose and even courage when it comes to accomplishing something they believe in.
Weaknesses:
  • Too Idealistic – INFPs often take their idealism too far, setting themselves up for disappointment as, again and again, evil things happen in the world. This is true on a personal level too, as INFPs may not just idealize their partners, but idolize them, forgetting that no one is perfect.
  • Too Altruistic – INFPs sometimes see themselves as selfish, but only because they want to give so much more than they are able to. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, as they try to push themselves to commit to a chosen cause or person, forgetting to take care of the needs of others in their lives, and especially themselves.
  • Impractical – When something captures INFPs’ imagination, they can neglect practical matters like day-to-day maintenance and simple pleasures. Sometimes people with the INFP personality type will take this asceticism so far as to neglect eating and drinking as they pursue their passion or cause.
  • Dislike Dealing With Data – INFPs are often so focused on the big picture that they forget the forest is made of individual trees. INFPs are in tune with emotions and morality, and when the facts and data contradict their ideals, it can be a real challenge for them.
  • Take Things Personally – INFPs often take challenges and criticisms personally, rather than as inspiration to reassess their positions. Avoiding conflict as much as possible, INFPs will put a great deal of time and energy into trying to align their principles and the criticisms into a middle ground that satisfies everybody.
  • Difficult to Get to Know – INFPs are private, reserved and self-conscious. This makes them notoriously difficult to really get to know, and their need for these qualities contributes to the guilt they often feel for not giving more of themselves to those they care about.
Famous INFPs:

William Shakespeare
J.R.R. Tolkien
Björk
Johnny Depp
Julia Roberts
Lisa Kudrow
Tom Hiddleston
Homer
Virgil

Fictional INFPs:

“Frodo Baggins” from The Lord of the Rings
“Anne of Green Gables”
“Fox Mulder” from X-Files
“Deanna Troi” from Star Trek
“Wesley Crusher” from Star Trek
I gotta go for now, but I will post more of what I learn later!
Love you,
Miranda
 P.S. This is me so much right now:
But INFPs aren’t necessarily in a rush to commit – they are, after all, Prospecting (P) types, and are almost always looking to either establish a new relationship or improve an existing one – they need to be sure they’ve found someone compatible. In dating, INFPs will often start with a flurry of comparisons, exploring all the ways the current flame matches with the ideal they’ve imagined. This progression can be a challenge for a new partner, as not everyone is able to keep up with INFPs’ rich imagination and moral standards – if incompatibilities and conflict over this initial rush mount, the relationship can end quickly, with INFPs likely sighing that “it wasn’t meant to be.”

Dear Miranda, Balance is a Fickle Bitch.

As you know Balance is one of things central to the core of my very being. Yet it seems to be something I constantly struggle with. Maybe its simply because I care about balance that I seek a center while most people are simply happy to live at one extreme or the other.

What ever the case I feel as if I have been off center for a bit. In my quest to be happier I pushed a lot of what I perceived as negative traits about myself to the side and I saw some great results! A good attitude really does breed good feelings. HOWEVER… I have come to realize that while a good attitude is something I want to keep, I just wouldn’t be me without the sass and snark.

I’m now attempting to slow the pendulum swing from Mega-Bitch to Super-Sweet and find my happy medium. I mean let’s be real. One of the sexiest things about me is that I’m not afraid of anyone and I will be quick to put someone in their place if they are rude to someone I care for. A new sexy trait is that I am harder to anger and “let it go” a lot easier.

Its all just a matter of walking the tightrope of my feelings without tilting to much to one side or the other… Sometimes it’s hard being an INFJ. Damn our inner complexities. This whole balancing act translates to all parts of my life. My attitude. My relationships. My Health. My parenting. My Faith.

I guess if last years theme was “Be Happy” then this year’s theme is “Find Balance”.

-Catie

Dear Catie, I’m grasping at straws. (Warning: Rage)

Okay, real talk. Just so you know, Catie, I am not yelling at you, and as a disclaimer to you and our religious readers, I am not trying to ‘diss’ on any of you, or your Gods. In fact, the world would be fantastic if we could all just agree to love each other because that’s what we’re supposed to freaking do, but I digress. Actually, I digress a lot in this post. Ugh.

 

These are the things that I feel or know:

  • I know that we are not alone in this universe or else-wise. There is so much untouched and undiscovered that we can’t be the only aliens alive.
  • Despite attempting to see the other side of things, I cannot in my heart or sound mind assume that everything is for nothing, and that the creation of it all wasn’t the work of some greater power, some fantastic God or Goddess, a high power – if you will.
  • Things in my life have happened that are so miraculous or coincidental that I have a hard time second-guessing them as proof of either karma or divine intervention.

What I would like to believe:

  • That God exists. One God. A solo, single god. Be it that all the religions are just talking about the same god under different names or one or the other is wrong and it’s actually this guy not the other. I’d like to believe that one exists.
  • That whomever this God is, he is merciful. That he realizes not everyone at all times is going to be on point all the time – or even the majority of the time. That he won’t belittle them or show them the door just because – as humans – we continue to fail.
  • That God truly does forgive, and doesn’t hold the grudges of the things you’ve begged forgiveness for.
  • That God saves. That his son really did die on the cross so that you could make those mistakes.
  • That the bible isn’t just a string of great moral stories fabricated by man to explain the things around them that they didn’t understand, and also to grant us a great sense of morals to follow by so we don’t all kill each other like morons.

Believe me, fellow readers who are of a religion, that I am in no way trying to bash your religion. I am not trying to cause doubt in your minds. I am not trying to shit all over Jesus. What I am trying to say is there are things that I know and have cemented in my mind, body, and spirit and then… there are things that I just really wish I felt the same about. But the honest truth is, I have a hard time, a really hard time, with just about everything in the ‘What I would like to believe’ section. I don’t want to doubt it. I don’t want to disbelieve what millions upon millions of other Christians so readily believe and have gone past the trials of not believing. I do.

I’ve been trying to think of the reasons why I can’t wrap  my head around them just yet, and a lot of it has to do with:

  • Guilt / Shame of my life and some the choices I have made. (I’ve made some really good ones, but… we all stumble.)
  • Pressure of very strict religious environments and their lack of acceptance of pretty much anything I’ve ever felt needed some mercy and understanding.
  • People I know directly who are so devout and mean well, but truly, they just push and push and do not understand that they are driving a wedge between myself and wanting to talk to them about anything other than the weather – which, by the way didn’t you know, is a gift from God for those of us who haven’t royally screwed up today/this week/this month/this year.

I’m being catty. I don’t want to be catty, but I’m about to explode. I felt like I almost had a grasp on God, and having a relationship with him, and screw anyone else and all the organized religion that everyone wanted to push on me, and the communities that scrutinized me, and forget them because I had a God that was forgiving and loved me despite my flaws and was working in my heart in the most beautiful ways.

But wait, I’m doing it wrong. He’s merciful… if you deserve it. He forgives you… if you really try to change. He loves you… if you love him back. You can have him… if you change absolutely all of your ways and shed off any sin you currently practice.

Weird. It sounds like he’s becoming a human being instead of an Almighty God. But wait, this wasn’t his doing. This is some of his followers. This is humans, talking about him. This is humans talking about him to me.

Slowly, I began to realize that nothing makes me want to give up religion altogether and stop struggling to believe… more than the people who follow him.

I. Absolutely. Love and Adore. The people who make me feel this way, and it breaks my heart. I also recognize that I, myself, am giving them the permission to get under my skin and grind my gears with their pressure. It is not their fault I am being pushed away, not really. I am within my own power and right to not give them that chance, to not let them in. So I haven’t been. When religion comes up, I bottle up and bow out. When something is said I don’t agree with, I give up even wanting to argue the issue — especially on social medias, where everyone is a winner as long as someone agrees with you. 

I wish I knew others who felt about Him the same way I do – without the bullshit of condemning me and all of that shaming, guilting. We all get it, okay? Just because my sins are on the surface and yours are well hidden doesn’t make you any different from me. People make it so hard to love God with all of their damn nit-picking and rules and … I could rant for days on this agitating experience.

I’m ranting.

I’m sorry.

At the end of the day, I want so badly to believe in God. The same God that every other Christian believes in, rejoices in, and prays to. I want Him to love me so badly because I get that I am not perfect, and never will be, and that’s why He completes me. I want Him to wrap His arms around me and sing to me in the car when He plays that special song just for me – because He knows that’s how I hear Him best – and He knows that because He is God. When I think of Him alone, I am content and peaceful and feel like I can do this.

I’ll let you know how it goes, but I wanted to be open and honest about my feelings. Hopefully, in time, I’ll have posts about how great life is with Him in my life, but today is not that day. Today is a day of great struggle, as now I’m fighting against myself and the world.

Wish me luck,

Mojo

 

Dear Catie, What’s happening to you?, Part One: Flirting. Why?

Why do people flirt? Perhaps, if we first looked at this, we could figure out the rest. So, step one: Why do people flirt? According to Psychology Today:

  • Despite the pitfalls associated with flirting, and early interactions, flirting is a key step toward initiating a date, and equally important in maintaining your romantic relationship.
  • Second, flirters are sometimes driven by the exploring motive. Here, a person flirts to gauge the interest of the person he/she is flirting with.
Okay. That’s kind of a given. We flirt because it’s how you get that step towards a date, and also how many people keep their relationships going. 
Oh wait. You’re single. You don’t want to keep a relationship (of that kind) going, and you also don’t want any dates any time soon. (At least anything serious.) …. Uh oh. Then why do you do it? — Well, exactly as it states. And because it’s a habit. You were in a relationship / and married for the last million years of your life. Flirting has been what you did to keep your relationship going. 
But wait, you also flirted because of another reason. Psychology Today has also listed it:
  • Third, our flirtatious messages are sometimes driven by fun motivations. This motive describes the fact that we may flirt simply because it is fun or the interaction is playful.
  • Fourth, at times we flirt for instrumental reasons. When flirtatious messages are driven by this motive, we are flirting to achieve a goal. Perhaps you want someone to do you a favor, buy you a drink, or complete a household chore?
Lol, or you are joking around and you want someone on skype to give you a link, or to cheer you on, or whatever the reason that is playful in nature. On the internet, flirting is a language and it speaks to the 3rd and 4th reasons PT gives us.
But, if I am being honest in my own speculations.. I think it’s still something else.
  • Fifth, flirting can be driven by the esteem motive. This motive encompasses those times when individuals flirt to increase or reinforce their self-esteem. Namely, being flirted with makes us feel good about ourselves (unless the person is a creeper).
  • Finally, flirting can be driven by sex. Flirtatious messages born out of this motive are based on a physical attraction to someone and/or the desire to engage in sexual activity with that person
Hammer, meet Nail. (Also, I did NOT add the creeper comment. That was from another article within Psychology Today. Honest-to-God.) I’m going to give everyone a bit of a TMI right now, but you and I have conversed recently about how being single has made you go through the roof as far as realizing you can wink at all the things, flirt with all the things, and though you wouldn’t dare (you said so yourself), it makes you extremely… um… There’s not a nice way to say ‘aroused’. (God, I am so sorry, lol.)  
Jokes aside, let’s push aside reason number six and focus on five, because I think this is the main point we need to focus on here. Shit is about to get real. Remember: Breathe. I am about to state all of these things based on what I feel solely on a mixture of what you’ve told me, what I’ve seen, what I’ve witnessed from others and their observations, and what I’ve deduced.
You are starved for affection. In your past marriage, you wanted it so badly and it was scarcely received. Now, I am not stating this for any blame to be pointed at anyone. That’s not the point. My point of this post is to point out reasons for things. You are hungry because you were starved. You flirted, and were still starved. You flirted outward with others because of it, and were still… starved.
Exit that relationship and immediately enter your brief whirl-wind romance with another. It’s very unfortunate that things went south with this one, because he’s not a bad person. You guys got along great – and a huge factor in that is because he didn’t starve you. If anything, you were almost overfed (at least, as much as you could be considering circumstances.) And when things got too cozy, you panicked. What the fuck are you supposed to do with all this new attention you’ve longed for and got overfed??
Exit that relationship because of a cold realization that left you in many tears. I remember them. I remember the desperation in your voice. Catie, if breathing is hard right now at this point in my post, please, this if your reminder to breathe. Breathe. Because you’re not a horrible person. You’re not.
You’re actually incredibly strong. Despite the unfortunate piece of your most-recent ex being a good guy, and things going so ‘perfect’, you stepped away. And in my opinion, you NEEDED to. And you REALIZED that when you found out these things, things like how you felt selfish because you craved the attention, and craved some fucking affection, and is that so bad? It’s not. So, you took a step back, and you evaluated. And now you’re taking a break. You need space. Best. Fucking. Idea. Ever.
(Lol, get it? You need space!)
But it’s going to be hard. You’ve already seen how it can even be a little challenging.
Okay, back to flirting.
I think most recently you’ve done it out of habit. You’re so used to flirting because for the past two or so years, that’s how you’ve survived while being starved.  No one, especially not me (the Pot) is blaming you (the Kettle). Honestly, I think you going through this is only helping myself more with this issue as well. Because I also flirt for attention – yet I am NOT starved of it. It’s, again, a habit. And it comes from starved attention.
What does that attention do? It makes us feel desired. It makes us feel like we’re doing something right. It makes us feel like we, ourselves, as we are.. Don’t need fixing, we’re fucking fantastic. (And you are, don’t get me wrong.) But we don’t believe it, thus we look for it.
But I am going to burst a bubble that was the hardest damn thing for me to realize, and it will be easier to explain if I give you a taste of my own experience. (But you’re used to me relating to it to explain things when I give you advice anyway, so this is nothing new!)
These questions we have, ‘Am I desirable? Am I worth it? Do you delight in me?” … They can never be answered in a way that we are 100% satisfied by any man or woman ever on the planet, nay, universe. It will never happen. Example:
“Honey, does this dress make me look fat?” He can answer in whatever way he’d like. Do we hear him?
“Honey, I feel like a monster. Do you think I’m worth loving?” He can answer in whatever way he’d like. Do we hear him?
“Honey, this is all I have to give. Do you delight in that?” He can answer in whatever way he’d like. Do we hear him?
I found this out while attending a self-discovery study with some other fine females such as myself. We were reading this book about the exact same topic. We wanted to know the answers to all of these answers, dammit, and why doesn’t it feel good when the men answer the way we want them to?!
Because two things have to happen for this to ever sink in, for this feeling to ever go away, and our desire to flirt because we crave the acceptance to ever not be a necessity for surviving in this harsh world.
  • You have to believe it yourself.
LOL. Can you say, “Harder to do than say?” I fucking can. Introduce me to a woman who truly, 100% of the time, all day err day believe she’s got it going and I will give her a lap dance. Or something else ridiculous that will never happen, because she doesn’t exist. 
But we can get close. It can happen. We may not feel it forever, at all times, but we can get pretty fucking close. For example, aren’t you the bitch who’s just met her goal weight? Get the fuck out of here with your insecurities. (I’m kidding.)
  • You have to ask the right questions to the right people.
The questions you have, the reasons you flirt (or at least, I think so) … They need to be asked to God. Excuse me, bitch. Are you getting all biblical on me? What the hell does God have to do with me feeling good about myself, or feeling like I’m good enough for this world. Shut the fuck up and listen to me a moment.
If we are to believe that God made us, would he have made a fucking mistake?
If we are to believe that God has the plan and makes all of us the way we are for a reason, would he have us where and what we aren’t meant to be?
If we are to believe that God loves all of his children, would he have made us in a way in which he wouldn’t delight in us?
I don’t think so, Missy. You see, we can ask our significant others, our boyfriends, our girlfriends, our besties, our sisters, … We can ask anyone on this planet, and it’s not fucking fair to ask them that. We will never believe them. They are human. They are imperfect. They could be lying, and we’d rather believe they are lying to us than be saying we are better than we tell ourselves we are.
But how the fuck do you tell God that he made a mistake? How do you tell him, “You’re just saying that. You have to. You made me, and if you said otherwise, it would look bad on you.” God ain’t lying. Don’t believe me? Here. Picture God as Tom Hiddleston (Loki):
Would this face fucking lie to you?
I know that you are a logical person. I know that even believing in God was a challenge for you because you need proof. There are many people like that, and you’re not alone in that. Don’t feel bad for it. He already knows. He’s already prepared to show you what you need to fucking listen to him. He’s like that loyal dog that no matter how many times you tell him to get lost, you want to be alone (because you feel like such a monster) … He just fucking sits there, wagging his tail, waiting for you to give him something, anything
What does this have to do with flirting? Well, if we truly believe in ourselves, we wouldn’t need to flirt with others to test if they believe the same things about us. We’d already know we’re tough shit and they need to recognize.
Now, I want to point out that this only addressed the core reason I  believe you are flirting at this moment in time. There isn’t a problem with flirting, just flirting for the wrong reasons. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone, and you don’t have to ask them these questions. Sure, it’s fun to hear someone tell you you look like a fucking BAMF in your new outfit that you got because of your goal weight. You deserve that. You worked hard for it. But at the end of the day, you need to make sure you’re cool with God, and that you believe, that he believes.. You’re absolute where you need to be, where you are right then and there, as imperfect as you are, because He put you there. For a reason.
I can’t tell you in a million ways how perfectly imperfect you are to me, Catie, and have it any where near what finally, truthfully, and whole-heartedly believing that He has done all of these things and believes all of these things of you. He doesn’t care what the fuck you’ve done with your life. He saw it coming. He carried you through it. He didn’t create perfect people. Jesus isn’t here for the healthy. He died for the sick.
Okay. I’m done being preachy. At least this time.
So, maybe you made a mistake. Maybe you flirted. Maybe it went too far in one way or another. Is it the end of the world? No. It’s just like when you fail at your diet. Mayyyyybe you bit off more than you could chew, and now you want to throw up with how the food is settling. Oops. So, don’t eat that shit again! Try something else.
My advice to you, now that you’ve read this:
  • Set boundaries. 
Remember when you flirt that it’s for the fun, not because you need the attention. It’s enjoyable to play around. But, people need to recognize this as well. So keep doing what you are doing, and make damn sure to tell them if they get too fresh that you’re not interested / waiting until much later / not available. Do that, and it’s their fault from there out if they get feelsy.
  • Feelings. They suck.
You just made friends. You’re making all of these new friends because of a new life and a new scene. Flirting is also a way to test the waters on how crazy people can be (in a good way, and in a bad way). You know better than anyone that no one can predict when love happens. It’s going to happen. You’re going to flirt or not with the wrong person, and they are going to acknowledge you close up or from afar and fall for the beautiful person you are, despite the flaws. Whenever this happens, and it will happen, you have to make a choice. Do you want to see where it goes, even if it’s not your 9 month deadline (or even if it’s past) ? Or do you want to say ‘no’, because you feel you still need air? Do you even like them? Welcome to the world of dating, where you’re eligible and people don’t play by your heart’s rules.
There is no real way to avoid people falling in love with you. I’m sorry. If you’d just fuck up a little bit more, maybe you could become a monster people would hate instead. 
I’m going to close this post for now because it’s lengthy as it is. Next time on Miranda’s Advice Column, I will give you advice on how to go on from here, with your OWN feels, and how not to fall too quickly, or keep away too far, but find a perfect balance. All the while working, being a mother, and getting out in the world.
To be continued…

Miranda