Dear Catie, S. O. S.

Everyone’s gone.

 

I have never felt so incredibly alone since I was a teenager.

 

You (understandably) left games / even Skype. That was the beginning.

 

Everyone else seemed to follow suit. Zach left the Skype group. Adam got busy with school. Frank went AWOL. Melisha is busy doing stuff in her life. God, I miss all of them. So much. Holidays are upon us, so I’m sure that has something to do with it, but this has been going on for the past two to three months. People just.. trickling away.

 

Aside from Skype, I don’t roleplay anymore. I’m not in that crowd. The new crowd I met in [vox]  is too new for me to vent to. You know how that is. We’re friends, but not friends. Not yet. And my facebook ‘friends’ have dwindled due to divorce.

 

Was it something I said? Was it something I did? What the hell do I do?

 

I have been a great friend to everyone else who went through something hard, something difficult. I have stuck by. I have tried hard to console, to confront, to comfort them in their times of need.

 

I’m crying right now because.. Dammit, I am going through one of the hardest things in the world. Me. It’s my turn. Someone fucking take care of me. Someone fucking tell me it’s going to be okay. Someone fucking reply when I say a fucking greeting, even if it’s just to tell me ‘Hi, sorry I’m busy doing X I’ll talk to you when I can!”

 

I’m sorry. I shouldn’t curse at you. I’m not going it at you, really. Please know that. I’m just.. venting.

 

Help. Anyone. Please.

 

S.O.S.

Miranda

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Dear Catie, I have to Let It Go.

(See how I tried to make a joke because this depression and reality is too much for me to take?)

There are very few things in life that I don’t want to talk about on my (or this) blog. There are very few things that I won’t put in to words because I like honesty and I like expressing pain and happiness when it comes. I seldom care if it’s humiliating for others to read and what they will think because it’s already out there, off my chest, out of this tight cage where I keep all things hidden. However, there are still a few things that I just can’t talk about.

The worst of all about this is that it’s the one thing I want to talk about the most, but I know it would cause too much harm to anyone it is about (including myself). Thus, I have to be as vague as possible.

My biggest pet peeve in the entire universe of pet peeves is people who are given ample opportunity to fix or have a solution to a conflict they complain about, yet they don’t take it. It bugs me to no end when the universe is working in such a way that all they have to do is to take a step forward, but they continue to stay in the past.

I don’t know why this is my biggest pet peeve. I don’t know if this is some allusion to myself and hating myself because I am just like them, or if it’s because they are truly the most annoying and difficult people in the world because their step could be the next big thing. If they would just take that step, it could influence the world so much around them, and the world wouldn’t be such a shitty place to them or others… But alas.. They won’t take it.

I find myself hoping they will take it every time. I build up expectations and standards for everyone who ever needs to take that step, and I get so pissed off when they don’t do it. Genuine anger. That’s my anger, my problem. And I have to learn to let… that.. go.

That’s what’s holding me back. I literally have to

let it go.. 

And I don’t know how. It is the hardest thing in the world for me right now. I have been in a depressed rut for over a week. I literally wake up and struggle to get out of bed even though I’ve slept already for 12 hours. I have skipped Tuesday –  Thursday classes just this week because I can’t decide if it’s worth it in the grand scheme of things. It won’t change the person I love, and it won’t make them be proud of me.. And if disappointment is what I get from them the most, it’s still an emotion, right? It’s still something?

I am trying desperately not to eat because I feel like it’s only counter-productive with what I want to do with my weightless. Yet, after not eating, I end up binge-ing out…which is counter-productive to my weightless. Dum dum dum. And everything around me just seems so dull.. even though I have reason to celebrate. Up until this week, I was doing fantastic in school. I have a new job opportunity at work which is actually fantastic. It will provide full-time hours and benefits. I’ve never had either (officially). Oh, and vacation time. Health insurance. (Also never had before). I am at a gym that is just about costing us nothing every month. They just announced in April that they will be expanding – which includes child care. I will pay $10 a month for a 24-Hr gym with child care. There are a lot of good things going on lately, but because I can’t let this one thing go.. Even if I realize that I have to let it go.. I can’t enjoy any of it.

I sit here in a pool of depression because letting go of this one thing, means letting go of the people I’ve cared most about, the people I’ve hoped the most about would change so that things could be easier between us. I hope that it wouldn’t have to be so hard anymore. I have to let it go because I’ve become that person that all I have to do is take one step and it’s fixed. But because I refuse to take that step, I have expectations and standards of them, the people I care so much for, but they will never meet them because my expectations are not their own… And they may never be. And thus, I’ve become the problem.

I’m causing the problem between us. I want too much, and when I get disappointed – no, when my world gets shattered… That’s it. Why live anymore? I don’t want to hide the fact that last week, I almost did it. I almost left the world, but… Something in me told me to call someone. Message someone. Do anything. There are people who care about you right at this very second who are available to take your plea of help. They love you, and won’t see it as a burden. They just want you safe and alive and to hear that you’ll be okay.

It is the hardest thing and most depressing thing in the world to be the very thing you cannot stand. I’m also taking a group-therapy session that is going to cut me open a lot more and make me realize my denials and hopefully in the end, recover from it. After the first week of answering questions, that’s when I made this realization. I also realized if I continued with this study, I am going to be opening every wound that I’ve tried so hard to hide in order to be a normal functioning member of society. I am going to get back on medication, even though I’ve hid from it because I want so much to be just like everyone else and to not be over emotional in the negative ways that I am.. But even when I did hide everything, I still had outbursts of anger, manic depression, and fits of rage that almost split me in to another persona that I began to call Her. I would watch Her do all of these awful things because I didn’t want to admit that I was making myself worse, and that it was me that I could no longer stop in it’s path… I think Her is gone, now, though. I admitted that it was me who was the monster, and not she. I think that destroyed her.. But it also destroyed me. I was not getting better, and I was not hiding it very well. And everyone close to me was beginning to notice.

So I guess I’ve been lying so much that now I realize I’m going to need to take the medication again, and just like you, I know it’s the biggest pain in the ass to find a doctor under your insurance, to make sure you can pay the ungodly amounts for the psychiatrist, the prescriptions, AND the expensive counseling. And you have to try all the damn medications, and the one that works best for you, and to do that you have to be on them for a couple of damn months and possible feel WORSE than you were before, and then when you change you have to wait another few damn months to get off the effects of whatever it used to be, in order to feel what might come.

And then you have to find time in the middle of everything else in your life to go to the damn things, to sit in the appointment rooms waiting for your appointment which started two hours ago to finally call you in so you can be in and out — and late for work, or class, or picking up your kid. Thank God school will be done in May 15th. My only goal is to reach it.

I feel you Catie. I really do. The line that scared me the most of your last blog post was that you were going to fight this if it kills you, and I don’t want to end on that note because lately that thought has been way too close for comfort and all I want to do is get help. I know it will be a pain in the dick to get there, but if I hadn’t buried it so much, I might be there by now and that much closer to being as ‘normal’ as I can be while drugged. I’ve been trying to take the cowardice and easy way out for so long, and it’s caught up. I can’t anymore. I can’t. I’ve got to go and take it… Otherwise, I may never be able to truly let go. Really let go.

So… Good luck to both of us.
Miranda

Dear Catie, I haven’t posted in a while.

So, lately, or the past two weeks that is, I have been so fucking busy that I can’t think or see straight. I mean, the first week was going to be hard enough with covering a week’s worth of shifts back-to-back M-Sat (finished with a 12 hr shift Sat), but to do it on top of school M-Thu and with ‘crud’ (an ear infection in both ears plus an upper respiratory infection)… Jesus. That week sucked so hard.

Next, I was playing catch up from my week with death and talking to Matthew a lot. We had a lot of fights that mainly stemmed from, “Why don’t I ever see you?” and we all know why (I just named it), and thus when I was home more the second week, those arguments simmered down.

Then, we decided this past week we also dabbled with the idea for about a week that we were going to move to the city, because being out here in Bumfucknowhere was boring, had nothing to do around, and the nearest grocery store (that isn’t outrageously priced) is 30 minutes or so away in either direction. LAME.

Well, we decided yesterday not to move and to give it another couple of years. There were many reasons for this, but mainly it boiled down to: for the first time since our marriage, we are financially stable. By that, I mean, if I am out shopping once a month and I see a cute damn top, I can buy said top without crying my eyes out with buyer’s remorse, because we have got it! We’re good. It’s a feeling that is so unreal. I am still waiting for the floors to be ripped from beneath me on this.

So, no move. So busy. Been sick. Now I’m here, writing again.

Today, however, I intended to talk about one of the decisions I’m debating, since I DO have that money now, and that is… Weightwatchers. My mother-in-law has lost an enormous amount of weight on this diet, and she’s accountable. It’s awesome. She signed up to have the online tools AND the weekly meetings, which is $43 (roughly) a month. Just online tools and no meetings is $56 for 3 months. Now, you look at that and think, ‘duh. go with the cheaper one,’ but let’s face it.. Catie, you aren’t here. And try as we may, I am never good with accountability when it comes to diets. I feel so ashamed and I hide my mistakes from you, my husband, the world… And I hope to God you don’t bring it up weekly to remind me that I am slipping, and just let me slip so I can eat all the fucking Whataburger I want.

But.. That’s not right. And there’s no way to keep me from doing it to you from so far away. So, while the online tools are fantastic, visiting weekly meetings may be fucking fantastic for me. Keeping me accountable, meeting other women of all ages trying with me, etc etc… I don’t. Dat price, you know?

What do you think? When I think of what’s holding me back, I think, “A gym membership. That may be very expensive, and if you add it to $43 a month, things can get expensive pretty fast…” Not to mention the increase of price when I start buying healthier shit vs. the unhealthy shit I’ve been buyin. (But to counter this argument, let’s be honest, how much do I spend a day in fastfood alone? I’m sure this is no big deal, but I would REALLY have to cut down on fast food. Like, hard core. Ugh, I cringe just thinking about it.)

Why am I all crying about this lately? Well, it’s that nifty little app you got me on, Snapchat. I… I realized I don’t like sending people pics anymore, even snapped ones, because I see how fat I am compared to everyone else chatting with me. I judge myself and think, “God, do they notice how much fucking bigger I am than they are? Do they laugh as they see me stick a french fry in my face?” I literally started crying over some.

Matt and I also took a day to the mall this past weekend. Usually, I can buy clothes at limited stores in the XL size. I… I can’t even fit in to XL anymore. I’m in XXL. I bawled my eyes out. Another X? Are you serious? What happened to the girl who was a Small, but had to buy Mediums because of her boobs? Why is she an XXL?! How much bigger is she going to get before it’s too late? Is it already too late?

So after crying, I decided I really can’t give up, now. I am over 200lbs, which is what I told myself I wouldn’t do when I had Eli, and I am doing nothing right now to stop it. It’s heartbreaking to see you when you visit, and you look like a fucking rockstar, and I think, “Look, Catie did it, you can, too, and then you can both be rockstar gorgeous friends!” Don’t get me wrong, Catie. I know our friendship is deeper than skin or pant size, but Jesusfuck, sometimes I want to strangle you for all the hardwork you’ve done that I count myself as a failure before I even try about.

Ugh.

I think I’ve ranted enough, but that’s been my life for the last few weeks. Sorry I haven’t posted as much. (P.S. Neither have you, get to it missy!)

-Miranda

Dear Catie, I had a conversation with someone about being Emotionally Strong.

… And I was really proud of how I handled it, so I wanted to put it here in case there are others who can benefit from it. I hope you enjoy. All names will be changed for privacy of the person I spoke with.

This is a link to what started the conversation. There are some things I don’t agree with, like the man’s use of the word ‘Never’, but overall, I found his post inspirational for those seeking to strengthen their emotions. Someone responded with sarcasm and I told them I was disappointed in that response, saying it was uncalled for. So, they took it upon themselves to reply in a much more civil fashion, and thus this beautiful correspondence happened:

 I didn’t mean to come across as a dick by being sarcastic. It’s kinda my default setting. I’ll try to explain why I disagree with this entire article in a neutral fashion.

If this article was made with the intention of inspiring me and making me feel better, it’s failure to do so is notdown to me, it’s down to the author. It isn’t a reader’s responsibility to intentionally feel the way an author wants them to.

Furthermore, according to this article, being upset by something is my own fault, not the fault of the person who upset me. I personally think this is incorrect.

There’s also an implication throughout the article that I disagree with. The purpose of these tips is to make yourself “emotionally stronger” (whatever that even means) and it then goes on to list a few things that one could consider kind or thoughtful towards others. However, the problem I find with this is that they’re using self-improvement as a motivation for being forgiving, or even loving someone. As if being kind or love itself isn’t motivation enough on its own.

For example: “I forgive you for sabotaging my relationship with my ex-wife, but only because I want to become emotionally stronger.”




Readers, have you ever felt this way about any of these opinions? I will not share what I wrote in response, hoping to clarify some of his points.

Oh, I see! Okay! I will try to explain the best I can, but if it doesn’t make any sense, or you continue to disagree, then we can simply agree to see differently.

” It isn’t a reader’s responsibility to intentionally feel the way an author wants them to.” Truth. I agree. If he wrote this expecting everyone to feel EXACTLY DOWN TO A T what he feels, he is a dumbass. The reader is not responsible for not feeling exactly down to a T what the author has put.

“If this article was made with the intention of inspiring me and making me feel better, it’s failure to do so is not down to me, it’s down to the author.”
Truth again. While it was meant to inspire and make many feel better and it failed to move you, it is not on you for not feeling that way. Different people are different stages in their lives, their emotional well being, and their self-esteem are going to interpret this differently. For example, someone who is aware of their emotional instability who is seeking for inspiration or such, will find it most often than not. For someone who is not, or doesn’t care to on some level, maybe they won’t see it at all? As this is an internet collum, where many people in many stages of anything may read it, it is impossible for the author to assume 100% agreement with his statements, as they just won’t happen. However, if he reaches out and helps many, but doesn’t help a few, that is not a lost cause. That’s just how that one plays out sometimes. It’s not his fault there are a few who don’t receive the message, because of this entire paragraph’s reasoning. However, it’s certainly not the reader’s fault either. For whatever reason, the message wasn’t received. Lost in translation, nothing more.

Your second to last paragraph involving not knowing what ’emotionally stronger’ means, I will touch upon this particular case. To be emotionally strong: (as told by medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com ) “emotional stability and resiliency, characterized by assertiveness, caring, coping, and stress-management skills.” When you are stable emotionally, and the bad things that WILL happen, happen, you are better prepared to face them. For example, if I have no self-esteem (which in turn causes me to be emotionally unstable for a number of reasons), and someone comes up and tells me I’m fat, or ugly, or pale (as if this is a negative thing and I need to tan), then I am going to get all kinds of riled up, or upset, and cry a lot, and allow this to affect the way I see myself even further. However, if my self-esteem (and therefor, emotional stability) is better than this, or healing (as mine is today), someone can call me fat, ugly, or pale and I will think twice. Maybe in comparison to what they are used to seeing in their daily life, I am bigger? Maybe they feel that another type of body or physical appearance is more attractive to them, and that may not be the same to my own standards? That’s okay. As someone who is stronger in my esteem and emotional stability, I can hear that and think about it. either way, the problem is coming from them, and it’s my decision to let it affect me or not.

Which leads in to my next explanation. “Furthermore, according to this article, being upset by something is my own fault, not the fault of the person who upset me. I personally think this is incorrect.”

You are entitled to this opinion. You truly, truly are. However, the reason many will disagree with you, Mr. Paul included, is because: You are in control of your own emotions. — I know, what? WHAT? Crazy, right? I thought so aswell, but when my counselor of a year or so ago told me this, I laughed my ass off. “Certainly not,” I said, but she explained that in my particular case, in which someone would be cruel to me or attempt to guilt me… I had a choice. I could let them, and I could feel guilty about whatever it was, or I could accept that.. This is their /attempt/ to make me feel this way, and I have a choice. When I choose to let them make me feel guilty, I don’t feel good about myself. I begin to loathe myself. I began to hurt myself either with things I would say to myself about myself, or physically. It’s not a healthy way to live, letting others affect me. It’s similar to my example of someone being rude and insulting my physical appearance. I can choose to go and cry about it, or I can be confident enough in myself to see that either they have another view of beauty, or they’ve got some problems of their own. Neither are about me, and thus it is my choice. Now, is the person who is being rude at fault for being rude? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY, because that’s just mean. Why do it? But is it their fault if I get pissed about it? No. That’s on me. I could have taken a step back, etc etc.

Bottom line: Your own actions are your own doing. No one can make you do something without your consent. No one can make you feel inferior without your agreement. (this, of course, excludes things like someone physically forcing something upon you. If someone takes my hand and hits my face with it, that obviously wasn’t my fault if I can’t overpower them. But in this case, we are speaking of emotions, not physical boundaries.)

My final point: “I forgive you for sabotaging my relationship with my ex-wife, but only because I want to become emotionally stronger.”

Forgiving someone, I personally believe, is not when you tell them you forgive them for whatever happened. Forgiving someone is when you don’t even have to tell them, and you believe it of yourself. Example:

If Bob had sexy with Jane, who is Joe’s jusband, and sabotaged their marriage… There are too many factors here that could be involved in the sabotaging of their marriage. I mean, Jane obviously had sex back, and maybe they were unhappy, or she was weak, or maybe she’s a slut, but the fault is never 100% Bob’s fault. So I won’t use this example.

So, from the example of, “You beat the shit out of me in high school, but I forgive you because I want to become emotionally stronger.”

You don’t have to say this at all. If Billy, who beat you up in high school, comes to you asking for forgiveness, then you can say whatever you like and that’s on you. But actual forgiveness is when you can sit there with yourself and think, “Billy beat the shit out of me in high school, and that was awful. When I see Billy, I get angered instantly, and my mood sours, and sometimes I think about paying back the favor.” That’s affecting you. You’re letting him affect you. If you truly forgave him, or if you want to forgive him, you must work on thinking about: “The longer I am angry with Billy for what he’s done, the longer I allow myself to feel angry, or let my mood be soured. I don’t like being angry, or being in a poor mood. To get rid of it, I have to let this go. I have to forgive him. If I truly let it go, I will be free of feeling so angry around him, or letting it ruin my mood. I will be happy. I will be more emotionally stable around him.” Yes. Forgiving someone makes you emotionally stronger. Have you noticed that it may be really freaking hard to ‘just be kind or love’ Billy otherwise? I encourage you to endeavor to try not forgiving Billy and being kind or loving him. And it’s not only forgiving him to feel better about yourself. What if you truly forgave him, and by the time you had, Billy comes around and asks for forgiveness, being truly sorry? You will have the power to tell him, “You know what, man? I forgive you.” And it can end there. Or it can grow into a friendship. Maybe Billy had a rough childhood? It’s not right, still, to have bullied you, but it gives you the opportunity to grow, to learn, to realize Billy is more than a bully, and that in itself makes you emotionally stronger. Thinking of people as more than the surface is very hard to do, especially when they’ve wronged you. But if you can think of no reason to forgive someone out of just being kind or being loving, then another way to attempt is to remember, you will grow from it yourself and move on.

I hope some of this shed some light. If it didn’t for you, I hope maybe it did for someone else who’s reading this who may also have been confused. I invite you to continue this discussion here if we can manage to be civil (which your last response was remarkably so!), but if we can’t, I ask that we take it to PMs, or perhaps just leave it as a ‘We just won’t/don’t agree at this time.”

Thanks for writing back, Sir. I appreciate seeing your point of view.

So, in conclusion readers, I hope this helped shed some light. If any other comments between us are made, I will consider sharing them as well to give you the full conversation / context.

-Miranda

Dear Catie, Today I woke up failing.

Literally typing this from my phone. I can’t get out of bed. That’s how much this failure is weighing me down.

I haven’t worked out since the 3rd and it’s now the 6th. I was eating fine yesterday and then made spaghetti at 1am. I need to go to the school today and get my books and was going to work out on the way home, but then realized I don’t have clean clothes to even g err t out of the house because my laundry is everywhere, waiting to be done. On top of that, Matthew wants to go so he can sign up for classes which means I wouldn’t be able to just work out on the way home and I’d have to come all the way back to the gym which is 20 miles away from my house. And then we are going to my In – laws house to eat at 5:30-6 so if I claim going to get ANY THING I want done today I need to get a move on and I just…

I just can’t function. I know I won’t get what I want done and so I don’t want to do anything. (Hello, completionist/perfectionist)

Can’t get out of bed. Feeling too much fail. Send help.

Miranda