Dear Catie, I’m writing again and here’s a shameless plug.

Sorry I’ve been scarce. A lot has happened, and I’m thankful for our phone calls as of late to keep me from drowning. It’s all good things, and eventually, even better things. In the mean while, I’ve still been writing, and in addition to that, my fellow-author-to-be cousin and I have created a website called WHAT THE PROMPT? in order to spark out writing style. For me, it’s great. I get to create on an outlet that is not my main novel, but I don’t have to stand around for hours for roleplay chances – which used to be my old outlet. Anyway, check it out. Love you, and here’s my first response to the very first prompt:

 

“Let’s pretend the year is currently 1995, and you’re still the current age you are now. You’ve fallen asleep, and you didn’t wake up until 20 years later. It’s now 2015. You’ve missed everything in your 20-year-slumber. Write what happens next.”

-WHAT THE PROMPT?

There are three certain ways to wake up from a good nap. The first one is waking up with an acute awareness, alert as if someone just blew a bugle to remind you your work shift started twenty minutes ago and you missed the alarm. The second is not as panicked. It’s relaxed, but not to the point that you feel you can’t manage to move a limb. You twist as you pop this joint and stretch that muscle. A smile creeps on your lips, a kiss from the sun peeking through your window shades. It’s time to get up, but take your time. Today is a gift.

The third way is so crippling that it’s almost as if you never fell asleep at all. You wake up with more exhaustion tugging at your shoulders. Your eyelids protest the signals from your brain, concerned that you haven’t opened them yet to find that, in fact, your nap lasted much longer than it needed to, and it wasn’t for the better.

This time is the third, and it wasn’t hours late that I woke up.

After what feels like five minutes, i split the shade over my eyes and find myself in the closet I had fallen asleep in. For some reason, I cannot remember why it was that I went to the closet in the first place, or why I had decided it’s floor would be any aid to fatigue I must have felt; the worsened condition I felt now.

I lift my hand, a finger digging at the crust that formed in the corners of my eyelids. Out of habit, I lick the tip of my index finger and begin rubbing underneath my eyes, just in case mascara has made a smudgy home there as it’s want to do. My eyes begin to focus and I can see wrinkles on the back of my hands that weren’t there before. Good lord, I’ve become my mother – not over night – but in a matter of a nap.

I push this thought from my head and rise from the ground on wobbly knees and uneasy ankles, parts of my body that aren’t sure if they can bear the weight of the rest of me so quickly after their rest. My hand clutches the pole that holds empty hangers, all white. There are no clothes on them, nor on the floor where I am certain to keep my dirty laundry despite the overpriced woven basket hamper from Home Goods. The floor beneath my bare toes feels damp, as if recently shampooed. How hadn’t I noticed that before?

I open the door slowly, disgruntled as the light showers me from the darkness of the small, dark room. There are no blinds, no curtains. There is no furniture in what should be my well-worn bedroom. The walls are no longer adorned by painted sunflowers on a dull green backdrop from Lowes. My eyes scan the corner for the stain of coffee that fell from my bed years ago and wasn’t retrieved until last month, when I remembered it had happened at all. The carpet? It was the same color, the same texture, but the stain was gone.

I didn’t realize I had been holding my breath until I’d opened three more doors: my bathroom, the hallway, and the room to my littlest sister. All remarkably cleaned and remodeled. All notably… empty.

Adrenaline met with the panic that filled my throat, disabling my subconscious ability to breathe. Where had everyone gone? My lungs pumped with oxygen at such a quick rate, I forgot to exhale. I was a balloon, expanding until my head began to ring dizzy. I opened my mouth to call out but only a whisper escaped, “Is anyone there?”

No reply.

I fought the urge to buckle at the knees, to cry out. There was an explanation for this, there had to be. Seek it out. Keep your shit together. It’s just a puzzle. More than likely, a dream. With this newfound determination, I descended the stairs. The banister had been replaced and what had once been carpet covering were now fresh planks of wood stained in a red color that reminded me of bitter wine. More empty rooms. The kitchen to my right was hardly recognizable and had been walled up where an open bar once stood. I don’t bother searching any more rooms on my way to the front door. My assumption is that they are all as empty as I felt. The front door is locked from the inside, and I struggle to pull the deadbolt in the other direction before I hear a successful ‘click’.

I pull the door towards me and open Pandora’s box.

Dear Catie, I am Super Woman.

I. Am. Super Woman.

 
In the past two weeks, I have successfully done many things worth celebrating, in my personal opinion.
 
  • I am the primary parent since Matthew and I’s separation. Never before has this job been 24-hrs with simply just me to tend to it. It’s exhausting, but it’s rewarding. So rewarding. Knowing that I am the sole person responsible for making my little man the young man he’ll be puts a huge smile on my face as much as it terrifies me in slight, but I stand proud and I do my best.
  • I work full-time. Still. I only took off a day of work, and I’ve remained with 80hrs for the paycheck. *flexes* I’m a motherfucking bad ass.
  • I have become a better budget-er than I ever was before because I have to be, now. Debt is finally getting paid off, and bills are being paid, and savings is beginning.
  • This entire time, I have managed to keep my head on my shoulders and not lose it. I haven’t blown up. I haven’t broken down. I have stood, become strong. I sleep, I wake up. Every day is a new day, building a stronger foundation on the courage I had the day before. I’m on a roller-coaster that only goes up, babe. (Yes, that’s a quote from The Fault in Our Stars)
 
Did I mention that I run a guild, still? Yeah. I’m still managing a crap ton of people, building friendships and relationships, and enjoying myself while I don’t have the money to go OUT and enjoy myself. I’m reading more. I’m writing more. I’m breathing more.
 
 
One of my biggest fears that held me back in my relationship, and kept me from leaving for over two years, was that I wouldn’t be able to survive without depending on someone.
 
Fuck that. I am Super Woman.
 
Love,
Miranda

Dear Miranda, I once had some resolutions…

So I haven’t thought about this in a while (as in months), or only vaguely but I figured I could go over them once more. Mostly I think its funny how I seem to be doing a lot better than I thought considering I haven’t been consciously thinking of these.

Just for kicks, let’s review:

1. Keep Up with the Health thing.
I have been eating so much Mexican food lately and more fast food then normal. I don’t even have a good excuse other then I’ve been lazy and not giving a fuck. I’ve probably gained between 5-10 lbs since May. I can’t lie… as  am typing this, I’m thinking about what I want for dinner and carbs are at the top of the list.
2. Take a BIG trip.
 My mother and I’s trip to Scotland and Ireland is booked and I’m just waiting around for the day to arrive. Currently I’m stressing the fuck out about having enough (read:any) money to spend while I’m over there, but I AM going over there so there’s that.
 
3. Start an IRA and a savings fund.
 Done and Done. I now have no money because it all went into this shit, but at least I did it.  
 
4. Drink more Water.
 No change. I really suck at this.
 
5. Be more positive/happier.
 I’ve grown so much this year. Seems like I had several years of stagnant and then a TON of change all at once. I wont lie… there have been a lot of growing pains and lots of tears shed this year, but it’s all worth it because for me I can’t be happy with out growth. Things have stabilized a lot however I’m still cultivating a bunch of thoughts and emotions and sorting through “life stuff”.
 
On a side note I have also cut out and separated myself from a lot of the negativity in my life. It’s funny how it seemed so impossible to do this at one point but simply by choosing to do things and be around people who are ALSO working to be happy instead of what I was doing some of the bullshit just disappeared on its own.
 
6. Make time.
 I feel like this is the thing I have been the most overall successful at.
 
As you know with my friend Richard’s limited timeframe left it was a wake up call on top of having been trying to work on this anyway. I have made time for family both far and near, as well as setting aside time for friends, and Emily. Doing things with her makes me feel like less of a failure when she acts like a normal difficult 3 year old. I’ve taken her to the children’s museum. She, Zac, and I go swimming or to the park at least once a week. I’ve let her help me cook and worked puzzles and watched movies and just snuggled with her more than I had been.
 
I’m trying hard not to say “Sorry, I’ve just been busy.” I may not get to be everywhere in person but I’ve been trying to keep up weather it be through texts, or e-mails, or phone calls, or coffee dates, or even this blog.
 
I’m trying to reach out to everyone and trying to repair torn bonds and if I can’t then to let them go and move on.
 
And it’s working.
 
7. Write more. Dance more. Sing more.
I feel like this should just be “Play more” and I feel like it’s pretty much parallel to “make time”.
 
8. Make new friends.
I’m realizing this as an adult with a small child means something different then it used to. I have some friends at work that I love and adore though we rarely (if ever) hang outside of work, yet I’m deeply grateful for them. I feel this is a little victory.
 
9. Don’t kiss all the boys.
This is an epic fail. However… I’m not sorry at all. Every boy I have “kissed” (metaphorically and physically) has been an important part of me figuring my shit out. I don’t want to take it back or change it or start over. I needed it. Which… I think you may have told me at one point. 🙂
 
 

Dear Catie, Resolutions in Review: One Week

Catie, I know it’s actually been more than a week. MY BAD. Thursdays are when I will be regularly doing these things, so pretend this was posted back on the 9th instead of the 14th and we’ll be fine. I’ll post again for week two in two days.

Miranda’s Resolutions in Review

Apologize only when I regret. 

I’m actually doing fantastic at this one. I have very few comments other than maybe people are taking me a bit more seriously since, when I DO apologize, they know I mean it. Because I don’t apologize so often any more. I love it. That, and feeling like for once I can have confidence in my own voice and my points of view? Priceless.

Be positive.

I think that for the most part, I am doing this. Along with being more confident in myself, however, I find myself preventing the situation of my potential depression. For example, I recently had to tell my room mate what-for because they were going to cause us, for the third time, to go way over on our internet limit, thus creating overage charges for Matthew and I, and on the third time we do this, they put it against our credibility. HELLO-NOPE. So, since I knew if it reached that, I could be devastated, I took this new confidence and made damn sure my room mate knew what they apparently didn’t understand the first time we had this conversation. So, yes, I am more positive, and it’s being so that led me to being able to do that instead of curling up in a ball in my room, shaking because I didn’t want to confront the problems in my life, I just wanted them to go the fuck away.
No more sodas.

I have done this. I have had three sodas since New Year’s Day. I took home a liter given to me from my in-laws and drank it and I have ordered a Dr. Pepper twice when eating out. However, I don’t have ANY at home, and when asked, I beg for water first.
No more fast food.

Before I got my job, I was doing fantastic at this. I really fucking wanted Whataburger one day and chose Panera Bread instead (salad). I’ve done that twice now, choosing Panera over Whataburger. It’s fucking hard. However, since I got my job, I have eaten Chik-fil-a twice both while on the way to work to feed me before I work without a break. Also, on Harry-Potter-Thon, my friend Anna brought us Chicken Express for dinner, her treat. But other than these occurrences, I have been fantastic. ::flexes::
Plan ahead on school work. 

It’s kind of difficult to do this one before school comes out (21st), however, I have already gotten my books and was debating reading two of them before class. (For Creative Writing, I have a How to: Short Stories, and How to: Poems). So this is still a ‘GO.’
Write for 30 minutes, every day.
I have been slacking, but it’s only because I have been so damn busy. New job, helping work on the lake house, going out, going to a party, having a HP-thon… But when routine settles back in (I assume, when school starts and my room mate moves out), this will be easier.
Work out.

This one is not working out (lol puns) so well. I had a gym membership, but I cancelled it because it’s 30$ a month and I wasn’t using it as often as would make it worth the money. However, this won’t keep me from working out with the right will power. I have 8 DVDs, a ball, a step, weights, a yoga mat, and all of the internet to help me. I can do this, if I wanted to. But I haven’t worked out in the past week as far as scheduling it. (I have, however, helped clean house and do things like taking the stairs. OH AND AT THE PARTY I DANCED SO HARD, MY ABS THE NEXT MORNING WERE LIKE, “HEY LADY WHOA.”)

Flesh out one of the many ideas I have for a book, and write a plot line.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH. I have so done this! And in fact, we still need to talk about it! However, for obvious reasons, I will not be posting it anywhere on the social media / networking world. Keeping my idea mine, and all that.

God, God, God.
My friend Lindsey and I are going to be going to her church together this Sunday, I think. I’m excited. Hope I like it. If not, I’ll be trying to continue to go either on Fridays or on Sundays to Joshua’s Crossing (my church). I definitely like them, it’s just a 20-30 minute drive one way. However, I do talk about God openly now. Someone told me the other day, I was beginning to sound too preachy for their tastes, and at first I wanted to tell them to deal with it (or apologize), but I just didn’t. I didn’t care. I’m not changing for the worse. I’m changing for the better. God has done NOTHING but good things in my life in the long run, and I’m not going to censor that for the sake of someone’s ‘Annoyances Meter’.

Complete at least two of these resolutions.

I’ve already been doing so much of them. I guess the idea of ‘completing’ can only be done if it’s a time-limit thing, but so many of mine are NOT limited to time. They are forever changes. So, I suppose I shall change this one to ‘Work on at least two of these resolutions each week.’




Well, there you have it Catie! I’ve done my recap. I will do it again in two days on Thursday, and it will become a ‘thing’. I know you said that you wanted to recap, too, so maybe Thursdays can be your thing as well. Who knows. 
Love you, B.

Miranda

Dear Miranda, Today you woke up WINNING!

“Can’t get out of bed. Feeling too much fail. Send help.”
 
Let me break it down for you, love.

“I haven’t worked out since the 3rd and it’s now the 6th.”
-Which means that you HAVE worked out the FIRST WEEK of the new year & it means that have worked out, what? Half of the days? Now before you desided to do this if you took 6 random days how many were you working out? That’s right, B, you are making progress!
 
“I was eating fine yesterday and then made spaghetti at 1am.”
-I really hope this isn’t the standard for how we measure failure because I totally carbbed it up this morning with a bagel slathered in cream cheese and two cups of coffee, extra cream and sugar. Again, your goal is not to be instantly perfect. It’s not to be perfect period. It’s to make progress… which as you said “I was eating fine”. The beginning is really hard because you are HUNGRY while your body adjusts. So don’t beat yourself up, you are doing great!
 
” I was going to work out on the way home, but then realized I don’t have clean clothes to even get out of the house because my laundry is everywhere, waiting to be done.”
-Fuck laundry. Seriously. I have four huge loads that need to be done as well as 2 that are clean… but need to be hung. Laundry is a NEVER ENDING CHORE. Here is what you do, you put on some music and dance your ass off as you sort that shit out. Dance over to the washer and Dance your happy ass back to your bed or chair or what ever and call it good. Then you can say you did something physical AND did at least one load of laundry. BAM!
 
“I just can’t function. I know I won’t get what I want done and so I don’t want to do anything.”
-Confession: We have a problem with desiring everything to be EXACTLY how we see it in our head…all day erry day. This is a HUGE recipe for trouble as it is 100% guaranteed to make us feel like a failure. So here is the plan. We are not going to do that to ourselves. I am here. Right here. And I KNOW you. You are NOT a failure.
 
You are a Mom.
You are a Wife.
You are a Friend.
You are a Student.
You are an Employee.
You are a Writer.
 
You are a Mother Fucking WINNER.
 
(In case you still had doubt. Here is a diagram.)
 

 
Now, if you still feel like shit, take the day to mope because honestly sometimes we need that and tomorrow wake your ass up and say “I piss excellence!”
 
-Catie